In 1984, the year named after the Orwell book, I created a time-pauser. It was made mostly of parts stolen from my video player, as was the style at the time. It was also a pervert's dream.

By 1985, pausing time had become something like an obsession. I was 24, but I looked 35, because, I suppose, technically I was. Most of my days were spent lifting up women's skirts and rubbing my penis on all sorts of things (mainly the things I found under the skirts I'd been lifting). You'll think of me as a monster, but any man in my position would have done the same. Even you.

Anyway, my invention was years ahead of its time. In fact, even today it's still hard to find a good time-pauser on the high street. This was to be my downfall. Had I waited twenty years for the release of high definition dvds I would still be pausing time and having my way with the women of the day, but alas, by using VHS as my means for stopping the flow of time, the world has become so distorted over the years that I can barely make out a woman from ten yards away, so great are the lines I see before my eyes and not even metaphorical lines.

Dennis, Peterborough.

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