Back in the 80s I was a very well respected scientist. They called me the David Bowie of the test tube. In my prime I undertook a routine study into fat people, or obese, as we called them back then. It was my goal to find a correlation between the mass of a person and their take on the five second rule; the rule which decides how long an item of food may be left on the floor before it is no longer acceptable to eat (five seconds being the nation's average).

I believed that the fatter the person the longer they would permit a piece of food to remain on the floor before eating it. My findings were just as I predicted and the graph was a perfectly straight constantly rising line.

An average thin person would only eat a sausage if it had been on the floor for less than five seconds. An average ideally weighted person would usually allow seven or eight seconds. Finally a fat person would often eat a sausage which had rested upon the floor for over ten seconds.

There were some very extreme cases. For example, a man who weighed 60lbs wouldn't even consider eating food which had touched the floor. Whereas I found men who would eat floor food which had been dropped several minutes or even hours ago. They were very large men, indeed.

I decided to take my study further to see how far this rule could be stretched. As I entered into the world of the one hour rule I began to see men who were more beast than man. Soon I wanted to see the men who lived by the twenty four hour rule. They were hard to find, despite their size, but I found them.

Never satisfied by my findings I wanted more. I wanted to find the holy grail of fat people. I wanted a man with a fortnight rule. I found him, all 450lbs of him, but still I was left empty.

As my search for the one year rule raged on for six months I became insane. Finally
I found a man who lived by the one year rule and I found more than I had bargained for. He was so fat, that it turned out, like some sort of terrible science fiction twist, he was the world. The man who ate food which had rested on the floor for 365 days was the planet on which we lived.

Dr Phillip Medley, Arkansas.

1 comment:

  1. I recently invented TunaJerkey. Do you want to know how this happened? I dropped a few delicious flakes of tuna on the floor, then promptly forgot about them. Two whole days later,I discover the tuna. Obviously, it has completely dried out, and we are now left with the driest piece of fish it is possible to find. I picked it up, and considered the tuna briefly. I ate it. It was delicious. Seriously, all tuna should be served dehydrated.

    And, I suppose I am anomalous, for I weigh a mere 126 pounds.