You pick up a lot of tips being a traffic cop. Not tips in the money sense. People rarely tip when you give them a ticket, unless you really impress them. More like, for example, you can avoid getting photographed by speed cameras by driving over them. Or if you’re involved in a car crash, you can just take the wheels off before the police arrive and say “How can it be my fault? I don’t even have wheels”. Nine out of ten police won’t have an answer to that.

The best tip I can offer you is this: If you’re ever caught speeding and you see the flashing blue lights in your rearview mirror, just move up into sixth gear and accelerate until you pass 299 792 458 m / s. Then pullover. When the police officer asks you how fast you think you were going, just play dumb and ask how fast. When he says “over 299 792 458 m / s” you just have to say “That’s faster than the speed of light. It’s impossible”. He or she will apologise for wasting your time and let you go on your way. Depending on which country you’re in, they might even let you have a go of their gun.

Alan, London.

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