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I’d always made it very clear that I never wanted children. She said she felt the same way. When she started setting her alarm to go off every two hours throughout the night with the sound of a baby crying she insisted it was just a thing that women did sometimes. She categorically stated that she wasn’t preparing herself for anything resembling parenting. Even when she got pregnant she said it was just because we needed the milk. Then when she gave birth to the twins she promised me that she just needed a couple of extras for a play she was writing. Now, as I sit here staring at two teenagers with my nose, I can’t help but feel that she lied to me. I guess it's finally time to tell her that I've been secretly impregnating catholic prostitues on three continents for the past twenty four years.

Owen, Las Vegas.