You’ve all heard of amnesia, even if you’ve forgotten about it. What most people don’t know is there are hundreds of different types of amnesia. The most common, the one that everyone has heard of, is American Amnesia, where the sufferer develops complete memory loss which will often serve as a cheap plot device in the story of their life. With this type of Amnesia, all memories will return by the end of the life episode, be it a day or significant chapter in their life.
Perhaps the most dangerous type of amnesia is Amnesia-467a, which erases only one part of a person’s memory: the part which tells them how to ride a bike. It is so dangerous, because the sufferer will often get on a bike, quite unaware that they’ve forgotten how to ride it. It then becomes only a matter of time before they fall off or collide with a fire engine.
In a bid to cure the world of Amnesia-467a, I dedicated a year of my life to creating an antidote. I began by grinding down an elephant’s trunk into a fine powder, which is what I believed to be the cause of an elephant’s inability to forget. I took this powder and added it to a kettle of nuclear waste (the most useful substance known to man in terms of science shortcuts). Knowing that heat will often cause a reaction of some sort, I switched the kettle on. As I expected, the liquid came to a boil. After a final stir and adding a drop of bicycle tire, I poured the sticky green sludge into a goldfish bowl, along with a goldfish, the worst sufferer of amnesia in the animal kingdom.
As I had hoped, the experiment was a complete success. Not only did the goldfish never forget a single thing ever again, he regained every lost memory. His name was Rudolph. Instantly he became heartbroken. Longing to be re-united with the only fish he’d ever loved, he escaped into the toilet and fled into the sea. For a long time he searched for her, moving from pet shop to carnival stall. It wasn’t until he gazed upon a newspaper that he realised he’d been searching for over one hundred years. She was gone. The nuclear radiation had caused him to become immortal, trapped with the memory of first love that could never be.
There were two results of this adventure:
1) Disney has bought the rights to Rudolph’s story and hope to have a full length animated feature out next fall. Due to Rudolph’s status as a fish, he will receive nothing.
2) Rudolph spent so much time in the ocean that every drop of water in the world passed through his body. This water would eventually run through the taps of human beings. The nuclear anti-amnesia fish water changed the genetic makeup of all who drank it, which is why you’ll never forget how to ride a bike.
Dr. Grong, L.A.