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"Please, you've got to help me!" yelled Eduardo as he banged his fist on the counter. His face was black with soot and he held a petrol can in his hand. "I need stamps. Give me stamps."

"You need to buy a coffee if you want a stamp." said the barista as he inspected Eduardo's Caffe Nero loyalty card. He was two stamps short of a free coffee.

"I can't drink coffee. I've got IBS. Please, I'm loyal." he pleaded.

"How about a hot chocolate?"

"No, no. I'm off carbs. Please. Just give me some stamps." begged Eduardo. "I swear allegiance to Caffe Nero. All I want is a couple of stamps."

Suddenly two police officers burst into the coffee shop, both wielding tasers in their hands.
"Eduardo Jones, you are under arrest for the firebombing of three Starbucks and one Costa Coffee."

"You'll never take me alive!" cried Eduardo, as he grabbed a nearby double macchiato.

"Don't do it!" yelled the barista "You've got IBS."

Disregarding the barista's words, Eduardo downed the coffee and immediately shit himself to death. The barista picked up Eduardo's loyalty card and gave it a solemn stamp. It was still one short of a free coffee, but it was the best he could do without risking disciplinary action from his manager.