The first girl I ever dated was six hundred billion years old. I was on a routine archaeological dig in the Arctic when I found her frozen in the ice. After she'd had time to thaw we went for a coffee and a muffin. If I remember correctly the muffin was blueberry and the coffee was crap.

It turned out that she got frozen a few hundred billion years in the future, then when the universe ended she slipped through a crack in space, so when the universe started again her body was still around in its frozen state at the dawn of time. Time runs in a circle, you see.

We went out a couple of times, but eventually the age difference became too much of an issue and we went our seperate ways. I think she’s dating Mel Gibson now.

Luke, Crawley.

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