When she said she had the bug I thought she meant harmless old AIDS, nothing a double layer of condom couldn't sort out, but what lurked inside her was something far more sinister. I'd heard about it on the news a few months back. Scientists had found some kind of insect in the rainforest. Stupid rainforest. It was a parasite which nests just outside the uterus. It's supposed to act as some kind of anti-rape thing or to stop women getting really drunk and having one night stands they'd later regret. They're fierce little things with claws, teeth and everything. How they work is that they only come out of the woman if you sing to them. You're supposed to explain how it isn't just a one night stand and that you actually like the girl and your intentions are pure, but it has to be through song, because they can work out if you're lying if there's a melody. If you try to put your penis in before the insect agrees to step out they say it takes a layer of skin off. It could all be bullshit, but I didn't like the idea of putting my cock on an insect anyway, so there I was on my hands and knees singing into this woman's vagina. Call me old fashioned, but I preferred sex before all the singing and insects.

Rod, Swindon.

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