Hi, I'm Charlie. People think I'm like all the other stalkers, but I'm not. You'd never find me camping outside Tom Cruise's house or breathing down the phone to Keira Knightley. Not yet anyway. I only stalk former celebrities or current z-list at best. I'm not like other z-list stalkers though, please don't think of me like them. Most of the time I don't even like the person I devote my attention to, so I'm obviously not obsessed with them like the other stalkers are.

I don't do it because I've got nothing else to do, I'm a very busy man, but I feel that it's my duty to help my fellow human beings. I'm like a Mother Theresa for the Google Earth generation.

How do you think a washed up celebrity feels? Sad, very sad indeed. They need the attention and I'm not selfish enough to withhold it. Famous people need more love than the average person, that's almost scientific fact. So I follow them, I watch them, and depending on how far the celebrity has fallen from fame, I threaten them, but mostly my threats are empty.

All I ask in return is that they become my friend, not my best friend, I'm not delusional, but someone I can turn to in times of need. It seems only fair, but these pampered little princes and princesses don't understand how a relationship works. It's a two way street. I give them attention, they feel better about themselves, maybe even regain the confidence to get back out there in the public eye, but when I need to move a sofa, where's Michael Barrymore? And that's when the threats get real.

Charlie, Farnham.

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