I was recently sacked from my job as a waiter, because I ate or "stole" as my boss called it, too many chips from the kitchen.

"But I only eat the biggest chips!" I told my boss.

"That's even worse" she said. She couldn't understand that my reasons were greater than hunger. I was providing a service to our customers by eliminating the biggest chips.

"Imagine" I said "a couple on their first date, dressed in gowns and tophats. Shy, excited and terrified. Impressions of the first kind are being made. Very important impressions. Lifechanging ones. What happens when a man or woman looks down at their plate and sees a giant chip? It's scientific fact that he or she will instinctively say "Look at the size of that chip!". Imagine saying that on a first date! The relationship would be over before it had even started."

It was no use though. She'd never liked me from the start and this chip fiasco was just what she needed to get rid of me. The fucking bitch.

Tom, London.

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