You probably dont know me. I've gone by many names. In the late 80s I was fresh out of Oxford University with a masters in particle physics and had my heart set on conquering the world.

I began my journey in America, home of the stuff. After a series of unrelated incidents I found myself working under the name John Lomack and producing and directing hardcore pornography. I quickly became disillusioned with the American porn industry. I wanted to do something more. I wanted to make a name for myself, a name bigger and better than John Lomack.

I became Jean Lemaque. I wanted to put the class back into porn. I wanted my films to have heart. I wanted them to ask more questions than they answered. I wanted them in black and white, in French, with subtitles. I wanted to combine art with sex in new and pretentious ways that left the viewer more heartbroken than aroused. I wanted to put the deep in deepthroating. My vision didn't last long. America just wasn't ready. My main problem was that I couldn't find any American pornstars who would speak French, and so, I had to bring in real French actors. Americans like their steaks cooked and their pornstars American. They don't like to watch a Frenchman making love. The French have too much passion. It makes the average American feel inadequate.

However, it wasn't a total failure, it gave me another idea. If the average American didn't want to feel inadequate I would make a new kind of porn, a porn that hit close to home. I changed my name to Johnny Lomark and started making porn with real people from the real world, builders and stuff. I pioneered the amateur porn market, although any historian would tell you something quite different. I wanted blue collar men, white collar men, any man with a collar making love to a terrible standard. I made films where the men struggled to get an erection. I made films where the sex stopped halfway through because of an arguement. I made films where the women flat out refused to have sex. I single handedly almost injected some confidence back into the American male, but this venture was an even bigger flop than the biggiest floppy cock from my films. Porn needs sex. I know that now.

Disillusioned with the direction porn was headed, I changed my name to Jon Lomax, and tricked my way into Hollywood. I devised a plan to bring porn to the masses, back on the big screen. I wanted big budget popcorn movies with enough hardcore sex to kill a rhino. I single handedly invented a new genre of film; Cockbusters. The premise was simple, I'd make a two hour film, a film of two halves. The first hour would be a typical epic blockbuster with alien invasions, deadly virusus, futuristic wars against man, machine and animal, which would always lead to the exact same point on the hour mark, a scene where all is doomed and the characters have no option but to utter the line "Oh, no! The world is going to end!", kickstarting an hour of gruelling orgy upon orgy as the characters live out their final moments in sexual bliss. The key was to make the first hour as important as the last. The world ending was no shortcut to the sex. This wasn't a plumber coming to fix a pipe. I wanted to make real films. Massive films. In a bid to make a name for myself, I made the first one five times bigger than I needed to. There was breathtaking CGI coming out of everyone's arse. Not literally though, that didn't happen until the second half and we didn't use CGI for that. It cost $250,000,00, but grossed just $200,000 worldwide. My name was ruined.

Carl Peterson.

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