I've never been the easiest person to buy gifts for. On Christmas Day, when my then girlfriend presented me with a certificate explaining that I now owned a owned a planet in the Draco Dwarf Galaxy, I quite rightly said:
"You know this is bullshit, don't you?"
After a fiteen minute rant about her falling for the oldest scam in the book, Christmas was effectively ruined. Our relationship never recovered.
Some years later there was a knock at my door. It was an alien man with an alien gun.
"Get in the ship" he said. I was flown 280,000 light years across the universe in three blinks of an eye.
As I landed on a planet covered in flames I realised that I probably hadn't been taken to the alien sex paradise of my dreams. Mile high buildings crumbled before my eyes as clouds of red poured down metalic rain. Men in armour fired lasers at one other with cries of:
"I'll kill you!"
Placed in handcuffs I was led into a cell a thousand miles below the planet's surface. There, in a room with no windows, it was explained to me that the world had fallen into its worst civil war the Angrarian Uprising of 1991. As the owner of the planet "Sarah luvs Chris 4eva" I was accountable to face charges for crimes against humanity. Over seven hundred billion people had been killed, and their crazy and backwards laws stated that I was responsible for failing to keep the peace.
I wondered if Sarah had purposely bought me a planet with a long history of global war. She must have.
I was to be imprisoned for a billion years without trial, which made me laugh, because no one in my family had lived past seventy.
To cut a long story short, the planet Sarah luvs Chris 4eva orbits a white sun, and I was able to develop superpowers of the like that the people of this war stricken world had never seen. I quickly karate chopped the planet in half and threw both pieces into a black hole. I'd been meaning to get rid of all the stuff that reminded me of Sarah for quite some time. It felt good. I decided that as soon as I got home I'd burn that t-shirt she’d always slept in.
With the weight of a world no longer on my shoulders I returned home at superspeed. Under the Earth's yellow sun I could feel my powers beginning to diminish, so I grabbed a Yellow Pages and ran to Sarah's house.
"Hey, Sarah!" I shouted outside her window. She stuck her head outside and looked annoyed at me breaking the agreement of the restraining order.
"I bet you wish you never broke up with me now" I said, as I tore the phonebook in half with my bare hands.
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