Some time ago I attempted to break into the rap market. In a bid to leapfrog the competition I decided to predict where the genre was heading in ten or twenty years time.
The direction seemed pretty clear to me. Eventually all hip-hop would focus on what it would be like to have more than one penis, which would then lead to how rappers would cope if their entire bodies were made up of penises of various shapes and sizes.
This is was my pitch to the record companies:
I got a dick in my dick comin outta my dick
I got 47 women tryna get a lick
I got 99 bitches tryna catch a peak
I got a mother dickin dick for every day o’the week
I give myself blowjobs, cos I got a dick in my mouth
I’m covered in dicks from the North down to the South
I got one pointing east, I got one pointing west
Bitches tryna decide which is best
It’s probably the one sticking outta my chest
It’s got a big fat vein from the base up to the neck
(It speaks five languages. It makes sandwiches. Bitches I fuck try to claim for damages)
I got a dick for pissing
A dick for kissing
And when the time’s right I got a dick for fishing
If you don’t wanna see them then that’s your decision
But you bitches better know what you be missing
When all my dicks are hard
I get a pain in my chest
From the strain on my heart
So I gotta take a rest
I got a dick up my sleeve and a dick in my vest
When I fuck a bitch she don’t know which dick is next
I got a dick in my shirt, a dick in my trousers
I got so many dicks I can cum for hours
I got so many dicks that sometimes I get scared
That with so many dicks I’m gonna piss the bed
I’ll put one in the muff
One in the guff
I hold one man competitions for dick of the month
I know it smells like my dicks aint been washed
But I clean them all at incredible cost
I spend dollars on gel
To cover the smell
But by the time I’m finished it’s time to start again.
Bitches better act right
Cos getting dickslapped is a motherdickin' sad sight
I need to get my venom inside your feminine side
Your feminine side
No place to hide
I’ve got an OCD
One Curly Dick
It’s like a curly wurly but ten times as thick
It don’t taste like chocolate
It don’t taste like salt
Tastes like a ten year old whiskey
When I meet a girl with just one vagina
I have to resist the urge to put all my dicks inside her
It takes incredible restraint
But I aint no saint
So "Stop with all the dicks" is a common complaint"
I’m the MDP four years in a row
Most dicked person since 2000 and Fo
I got pubic hair every colour of the rainbow
Bitches see my dicks there's no way they can say no
My dicks take lives
Cos they’re shaped like knives
When I fuck a bitch she don’t want them inside
She’s all “If you’re gonna go and put your dick in my cunt
Would you mind using one a little more blunt”
I say “Shut your mouth, bitch, I do what I want.
I’ll put a dick in your ass and and two in the front”
My balls are volcanic
They sank the Titanic
But no need to panic
My cum is balsamic.
If you're having dick problems, I feel bad for you, son
I got 99 dicks and you've only got one.
Now I'm not allowed to work with children.
Frank Debonair, Bath.