Easy Solutions #1
So, you're in love with one of your friends, but she has a boyfriend and probably wouldn't have sex with you anyway.
What you will need: 1 x knife, 1 x ring, access to a sunbed, the ability to grow a beard.
Step One: Place the ring on your wedding finger and avoid contact with your friend for a month.
Step Two: Stop shaving and use the sunbed to gain a tan.
Step Three: After a month when your beard is full and your tan is noticeable, remove the ring from your finger.
Step Four: Remove all your clothes and break into your friend's house.
Step Five: Use the knife to cut your body in various places. Avoid the face. If possible, focus on your back. The more blood the better.
Step Six: Enter your friend's bedroom and lie face down on the floor. Wait for her return.
Step Seven: When she enters the room pretend to be unconscious. Allow her to turn you over and try to wake you for a few seconds before you open your eyes. The injuries to your body will serve as a distraction to your nakedness. She will be more concerned about your wellbeing instead of fearing the naked man in her room.
Step Eight: When she asks you what's happened you should ignore her questions. Instead you must act confused and ask the date. If it's September 15th she will say 'September 15th' to which you must reply 'No, what year is it?'
Step Nine: Upon hearing the year say the words 'It worked.' Pretend to lose consciousness again for a few seconds, implying that whatever it is that has worked took a great effort.
Step Ten: If your friend is a curious person she will probably ask 'What worked?', even if she doesn't ask this question it is important that you now say the words '(Insert Friend's Name), I'm from the future' in your most deadpan voice.
Step Eleven: Pause for ten seconds to allow the incrediblness of the situation to sink in. There will be no reason for her to doubt your claim, because your beard will make you appear many years older and your cuts would add weight to the idea that you've come from a post-apocalyptic future where a war is currently taking place.
Step Twelve: Raise your left hand to your face. All women are very observant, so your friend will immediately notice the tanline on your wedding finger. If she is educated to a decent standard she will realise that you are married and your ring has simply disappeared, because clothing and other items cannot travel through time. Your nudity will support this.
Step Thirteen: Now comes the hard part - The monologue. In your own words you must give a speech in which you mention all of these key points:
a) You are married to each other in the future
b) Her current boyfriend is dead
c) The world is coming to an end. It's up to you to pick a reason, but I would recommend a war against machines. This whole situation will be backed up by the Terminator franchise
d) In the future your relationship is not going well
e) You've come back in time because you can't help but feel that she would have been happier with her current boyfriend if he hadn't been killed
f) Her current boyfriend is going to be hit by a bus on a day six months from her present. She should stop him going to work that day
g) If she does exactly what you say this current version of yourself will be erased and you will never get married. If she questions this flaw in your time travel logic, because you cannot change the past, simply reference Back to the Future
Step Fourteen: Unless your friend is made of stone she will now be overcome by emotion, especially at your selflessness. Get to your feet and go to kiss her goodbye. It is important that you do this with the confidence of a man who has done this to her many times.
Step Fifteen: There is now no possible way that you aren't about to have sex with her. You're naked, kissing her, in her bedroom, agreeing to erase a version of yourself from history to make her happy. And as far as she knows you've had sex many times in a future that will no longer happen, so she thinks to herself that maybe she should have one memory of it.
Step Sixteen: After having the sex, ask to borrow some clothes then leave.
Step Seventeen: Shave off your beard and coat your wedding finger in fake tan. Carry on as if nothing has happened. There will be three possible outcomes:
1) During the sex some feelings that she didn't know existed are awakened and she will leave her boyfriend for you.
2) Life will carry on as normal.
3) You will be filled with guilt because of this moral grey area where you aren't entirely sure if what you've done counts as some kind of low level rape. You will take your own life by hanging, overdose or wrist cutting.
Utter. Fricking. Genius.ReplyDelete
i agree, this is brilliant.ReplyDelete
thats bricken frilliant!ReplyDelete
Shaving after that crap is a bitch...ReplyDelete
THIS IS NICE!!!ReplyDelete
dis is teh pwn!ReplyDelete
What about the tan-difference between the skin under your beard and the rest of your face post-shave?ReplyDelete
've actually been back from the future, and it worked almost as well as this blag.ReplyDelete
It worked great until the part about sex...ReplyDelete
One minute I was doing my GF, and next thing I knew I was in the hosipital geting a blood transfusion.
OH MAY ZINGReplyDelete
This comment has been removed by the author.ReplyDelete
Dumb as shitReplyDelete
Excellent. However I have tits and therefore cannot grow a beard. How do i get my hot female friend I've been in love with for five years to screw me?ReplyDelete
There are lots of German men who have tits and actually can grow a beard. That's no excuse.ReplyDelete
Pics or it didn't happenReplyDelete
Anonymous said... "Excellent. However I have tits and therefore cannot grow a beard. How do i get my hot female friend I've been in love with for five years to screw me?"ReplyDelete
Invite her over to my place for drinks. I guarantee after a few drinks, you'll both be screwed.
hahaha...that's hardcore. i was thoroughly entertained the whole time...except the part about back to the future...though, a nice touchReplyDelete
This is absolutely amazing! :DReplyDelete
But what if the plan works and upon having sex again, she (1) sees the scars, or (2) realizes you're still EXTREMELY tan.
This is whats wrong with the internet; nonsense coated with commercial trends with nonsense,which brings out the wannabe LLgeekocoolios chanting.ReplyDelete
This is hilarious!!ReplyDelete
I did this next week and it totally worked out. Right after we had the sex she reached under her bed and pulled out a tee-shirt with 3 wolves howling at a full moon! The instant I put on the shirt I was transported back in time to now when this hasn't actually happened yet - and somehow I was able to hang on to the sweet wolf shirt. I'm gonna try it again and see if I can't score some more sex and another tee-shirt.ReplyDelete
b e a u t i f u lReplyDelete
This was in my friend's status message - Very funny - I like it.ReplyDelete
I LOLed. I cried. It was a good cry though. Pure unbridled genius.ReplyDelete
So, what happens to the knife? You break into the house, cut yourself, go to her bedroom, but the knife will be still in or around the house. What if she finds it?ReplyDelete
I do this all the time.ReplyDelete
Nice One :)ReplyDelete
oh americans are so stupid :DReplyDelete
wahahahajhaahaha! im rolling on my floor now :PReplyDelete
keep this in mind: if the boyfriend finds you instead of the girl, he will be very hard to convince that you are from the future. I had to stab him and drag his body to the closet.ReplyDelete
of course the knife had to be sent back to the future!ReplyDelete
(which is easy since you can use a relativistic time machine for this direction)
Congrats. You're on reddit's front-page, top place:ReplyDelete
Are you a nut job or what? Why not just find another girl and ask her out, so much easier, and less likely to land you in jail.ReplyDelete
Dear Chin. That's very good. I still want to collect them all together and publish them.ReplyDelete
and what happens when she asks to see your back?ReplyDelete
resign yourself to being a virgin for the rest of your life.ReplyDelete
absolutely legendary, i will one day implement this!ReplyDelete
stay away from my mom.ReplyDelete
Who the fuck says "bricken frilliant!" You fucking moron, you distracted me from a great article. I hope you get shot in the face saying that.
You're a ?$% retardReplyDelete
This comment has been removed by the author.ReplyDelete
this is awesome and totally would work on me if not for the random tan-ness when confronting you next.ReplyDelete
That and most girls don't like having sex with bleeding duded. Just like the reverse is true.
Brilliant. Totally brilliant.ReplyDelete
Fact that I have all that it takes creeps me out.
This is almost exactly how I got my wife to marry me, only instead of stabbing myself I stabbed her boyfriend at the time. Then I explained that I tried to come back from the future to save him, but arrived a minute too late.ReplyDelete
I've seen this movie!ReplyDelete
how stupi/d is the girl you are in love withReplyDelete
This is a rape. :(ReplyDelete
Possibility #4... She see's a naked man in her bedroom and rather than investigating she gets freaked out and calls the police and you get arrested and can tell your post apocalyptic story in lockup to your new boyfriend.ReplyDelete
this is f**king stupid! whoever believes this is a retard.. no-one will ever get laid like this. Try being normal!ReplyDelete
This is from season 6 of LOST. Bearded Jack visits Kate from the past and tells her not to blow up her dad's house.ReplyDelete
I hate to point it out to the people who are like 'this is retarded it will never work'.ReplyDelete
Of corse it will never work its just a fun idea that you laught at the absurdity of (the references to Terminator and BTTF illustrate this neatly)
This post was going to will have being removed by the author.ReplyDelete
Haha thats funny. Oh the imagination of emo pussy-ass virgins.ReplyDelete
hahaha brilliant :DReplyDelete
I enjoyed the story, but was annoyed that there are just so many crass closed minded people that don't accept other peoples humor. It might not be funny to you. Then again you are probably not funny to other people. Even if other people give you shit about your humor instead of continuing the chain you should learn to laugh at other yourself just like other people do.ReplyDelete
what is funniest about this is that some people are actually taking it seriously enough to call you stupid or telling you to try to be normal....IT'S CALLED A JOKE. the people laughing at this are also laughing at you because you probably wish it would work but are just so pissed off that it won't so you will remain unlaid for eternity because this would be your only hopeReplyDelete
You are fucking stupid.ReplyDelete
This is the most stupid shit i have ever heard...no one would believe you would travel back in time because it is fucking impossible...if a girl ever fell for this she is a dumbass...and you are a dumbass for doing it thinking it would work...find a fucking life and do what most guys do and tell her how you feel...loserReplyDelete
This is a J O K E people....damnReplyDelete
Sorry, I meant me, i was talking about myself. It should have read I am fucking stupid.ReplyDelete
Sorry, I meant me, i was talking about myself. It should have read :ReplyDelete
I am fucking stupid.
i wanna smoke what ever the author was smoking ;)ReplyDelete
Iam gonna try that on my neihbor!Hey thanksReplyDelete
Iam gonna try that on my neihbor!Hey thanksReplyDelete
Iam gonna try that on my neighborReplyDelete
I am gonna try that on my neighbor! Hey thanksReplyDelete
coming from a female...ReplyDelete
this is pathetic.
i dont think any woman is dumb enough to fall for this.
Or dumb enough to not realise that this is a joke?ReplyDelete
I am a woman. I realize that if any man -- friend, ex-boyfriend or otherwise -- showed up with such a story, I would laugh in his face. The humor of this article, however, I can fully appreciate. For those of you who can't, shut up and go elsewhere to post your moronic responses.ReplyDelete
1.) Anyone who took this seriously and is talking crap is a moron.ReplyDelete
2.) Won't she/others notice the cuts all over your body? Just saying...
I think what Lynnette means is, won't she notice after the fact that the "present" you has cuts on your back? You would have to wait a while before hooking up again.ReplyDelete
I love this post!
nice article very funny. people who are talking crap, your ruining a funny joke so please get a life yourselfReplyDelete
grow a beard, get suntan, grab a knife, stab her boyfriend to death, confort your grieving friend and score her when time is rightReplyDelete
HAHAHA, this was actually pretty well planned and thought out. And (coming from a woman) there are some broads who would probably fall for it.. ^.~ReplyDelete
I tried this on your mom and it actually worked OMFGBBQWTFLOOLOLWOOT!ReplyDelete
This is by far the best "get into a girls pants" plan i have EVER heard.ReplyDelete
Sir you should be awarded the Nobel Prize or something similar to reflect the caliber of greatness in this idea!
As a woman... I would never fall for it, but I would have sex with the man JUST for the creativity of the story.ReplyDelete
An elegant solution to an age old problem. It only goes to show the best ideas are always the simplest.ReplyDelete
This totally happened to me a few months ago, but instead of having sex I threw his tired ass out of my house for bleeding all over my floor. I wasn't all that into him anyways.ReplyDelete
ill shall let you know if it worksReplyDelete
awesome but what would happen if the real you from the future showed up and ruined it? that would be wierd.ReplyDelete
I love this guy...i love him....oh my god...he who wrote is WISEReplyDelete
being female, i think i wudnt fall for the plan. but id shag the dude anyways for making such a hilarious effort. i mean, who doesnt like a funny naked guy? ;)ReplyDelete
AMAZING is is so perfect almost nothing could go wrongReplyDelete
Wait a minute, that's how I got my wife. I didn't think it would work but after 3 kids and 30 yrs later I would probably do it all over again.ReplyDelete
What did I have to lose?
He'd get in my pants.ReplyDelete
I CANT BELIEVE HE TRICKED ME LIKE THAT!!!! I always wondered why he has those scars from the future on his back.ReplyDelete
NICK BEAN AND ALEC DIETZ ARE FAGGOTSReplyDelete
Anonymous is a faggotReplyDelete
Anonymous, anonmyous, and that Alec Dietz kid are all faggotsReplyDelete
WHAT THE FUCK DON'T YOU DARE CALL ME A NIGGER AGAIN.ReplyDelete
Freaking genius. But back to reality, a girl wouldn't be so stupid to fall for that!ReplyDelete
Best shit I've ever read in my life!ReplyDelete
Excellent! I wish I hadn't read the comments, though, I should have realized the 95% of internet browsers are under the control of utter dipshits. :)ReplyDelete
I tried this, didn't work.ReplyDelete
Simpson's did it.ReplyDelete
Oh how laughed.ReplyDelete
Once... because the idea is pure brilliant...
Twice... because people are taking this seriously... lovely...
Genius on so many levels, I can't begin to describe.ReplyDelete
You forget to add "Don't get a hard on in front of the girl" or she will notice it right away that something fishy is going on...ReplyDelete
Okay, I did it.ReplyDelete
It worked and that was the best sex I've ever had. She's one beast in bed.
She also broke up with her BF and I stepped in and listened to the whole story.
5 years later; guess what? We're married.
It could possibly work, if the guy doing it had a will of steel.
It's just so sad that some of the other readers don't understand this was written as a fhuking joke. I feel sorry for those guys. Move out of your mothers basement and go make some friends you fhuking retards.
Lol i just read through all of those comments... it was light when i started...ReplyDelete
good thread though
Two thumbs up that man!ReplyDelete
what if she doesn't like beards?ReplyDelete
This is a genius piece of literatureReplyDelete
This is a warning to those out there thinking about trying this,.......It didn`t work.ReplyDelete
I read this on another website and it referenced this one..I must say,,This is probably the sickest most discussing thing I have ever read...How can you act and manipulate something like that, what do you think, life is a movie where you act things out!!You must be a big loser to have to act this out, instead of step up like a man and tell her you wanna fuck her!!!Not make her feel sorry for you to have sex..Later, I will probably never come back here,,,,but last thing I want to say is "Life is not a movie where you have to act if you have the balls of a man!!"" Later loser!!!!ReplyDelete
Dude apove me, i dunno, i just read the start of your comment and i lost all happiness in the joke that was above all these commentsReplyDelete
Sadly, half the girls (and women) i know would fall for this so hard it couldn't have hit them harder unless they fell off the highest point on the Planet that had enough gravity to make you fall (pretty much fucking space).
I live in a sad place.
You need a girlfriendReplyDelete
Ive got a boner.ReplyDelete
Now read "The Time Traveler's Wife" and you will get a good idea of how it actually worked for real. Best non-fiction book I read. Ever.ReplyDelete
Ahh MAZING ...ReplyDelete
Whoever doesn't get this is an idiot, and whoever doesn't appreciate the humor is an aforementioned machine!
haha thats an awesome J O K E. Jeez people, grow a sense of humor.ReplyDelete
I really enjoyed this though, thumbs up on stumble for sure.
At first I was like ? Then I lol'd!ReplyDelete
This looks like the work of George Constanza....but at some point he must mention to her that he was an architectReplyDelete
this was so dumb, how did anyone find this brilliant or amazing...i feel dumb for even reading itReplyDelete
This is some wacky bullshit made for desperate ppl...I like it!ReplyDelete
But this would never work on me!
this is a mental sickness...ReplyDelete
too much effort is needed for this lame as stuntReplyDelete
easy, for sure.
Hilarious but wouldn't work because if the sex happens again, as you presumably want it to, she would notice the scratches/scars from the cuts and would probably catch on...ReplyDelete
shaving is the worst part, fo sho.ReplyDelete
I PRONOUNCE YOU A GENIOUS !!!ReplyDelete
All of the comments are stupid. If you like this, that's fine, but your additions to the joke are empty. If you don't like this because it's "retarded", you're fucking stupid, and that stupidity is evidenced further by your description of something you find too absurd to work as "retarded". Stop listening to ICP. Everyone hates you. This comment is by far the stupidest, because it assumes intellectual high-ground over all others, when, in fact, it's being written by a stoned high school drop-out.ReplyDelete
why are people pissed that this is "the most stupidest shit [they've] ever heard"? it's funny because it can't work and is too much effort to go through to get laid. i'm sorry that everything in your life is so dissapointing that this is worth a nerd-rage explosion, but, really?ReplyDelete
Very, very well done. Sheer genius!....I'm tempted to do it too...just to see what would actually happen.ReplyDelete
This plan is flawless!ReplyDelete
Her Boyfriend came home first and killed me. I had to come back now even further in time to warn you of this flaw. Beware its not the machines....The angels will point the way.ReplyDelete
i demand that this is done. and secretly filmed for youtube. utter. mo'fo'ing geniusReplyDelete
Totally hilarious and totally stupid. LMAO! Dumb people are now going to go out and do this. Oh, I see, ok it is genius!ReplyDelete
On one hand it's cute, on the strong other, he's emotionally disturbed. Too funny!!ReplyDelete
this is awesome. good readReplyDelete
don't forget to get tanned before you let your beard grow! otherwise you'll look stupid as hell, when you shave it!!!ReplyDelete
this was too amazing, wish i would've thought of this!ReplyDelete
oh, jolly good!ReplyDelete
you got a rotten mind man. you are a the greatest genius of all times keep doing this please, i beg youReplyDelete
nice one. have you try it? because is genius!ReplyDelete
This bitch has to be blonde. Or stupid.ReplyDelete
I tried it, it didn't workReplyDelete
This is pretty funny, ill say that. But, what is more funny, is all the geniuses explaining why it won't work. LOL, Really?ReplyDelete
more movie references.. needed.ReplyDelete
Where is a good place to purchase fake tan ?ReplyDelete
Brilliant. Can't wait for "Easy Solutions #2".ReplyDelete
1. You should use spray tan so it can wash off and give you back your pasty look to help convince the girl when she see you next that you nothing about future you.ReplyDelete
2. Stab wounds are hard to fake, especially if you dont want scarring. I would recommend two all-nighters in a row and and a 2km run to build up a sweat and an older appearance.
I just came back from the future to erase the comment I left here 10 minutes from now.
Or just grow a beard and impress her with how manly you are... that always works for me.ReplyDelete
This is Awesome. I tip my hat to you good sir!ReplyDelete
where tha white women at?ReplyDelete
Brilliant! Simply brilliant!!ReplyDelete
This would totally work on me.ReplyDelete
That's my plan for the weekend! GeniusReplyDelete
My God... This will sound like B.S. but my brother, who I've always felt was somewhat of a crazed genius - whilst enjoying all the fun that 5 doses of "snoopy" blotter acid provides, told me this exact idea, almost word for word - 25 years ago when we where 17 and 18 years of age. I am in awe!ReplyDelete
Oh I'm a female to and I would fall for this soo badly. Rough naked guy on the floor when my boyfriend's out? mrwar..ReplyDelete
erm it worked sort of except my friend came back not his girl friend........ahem!ReplyDelete
I can no longer use the internet. I have found the funniest thing on it.ReplyDelete
It's been 180 comments so there's a chance you won't even read this. BUT. I had to share. I LOVED THIS. And even though I hate it when people leave comments just to link to their own blogs, I wrote a blog with a similar concept a few years ago that I thought you had to read:ReplyDelete
I called it "Guaranteed Prank War Winners".
NOT THAT I'M IMPLYING YOU RIPPED ME OFF! :) But when I read this I thought we definitely had the same sense of humor, seeing as how we both wrote blogs about excessively convoluted ways to get selfish gains. :)
Cheers! Have a good day! And how the hell do I get *my* blog to get this many comments? :)
been there done thatReplyDelete
Why didn't I think of this? Oh, that's right, I HAVE A LIFE!!ReplyDelete
I once had a similar experience while drinking Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 gallon, 128 ounces. It was transcendental.ReplyDelete
"I once had a similar experience while drinking Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 gallon, 128 ounces. It was transcendental."ReplyDelete
It's like Ghostbusters: you cannot - CANNOT - allow the memes to cross!
I´M A GIRL WHAT SHOULD I DO???ReplyDelete
Last anon poster has it down. If anyone did this to me I think I'd have to be won over by the sheer balls, dedication, and inventiveness, honestly. I mean, if it hadn't already been posted online.ReplyDelete
that is quite possibly the best thing I have ever had the pleasure of reading! xDReplyDelete
Such an idiotic crap..... Can't believe that any girl would fall for thisReplyDelete
This is complete awesomeness. A fantastic idea. I would try it, except I'm a girl.ReplyDelete
And what is it with all you losers who are hatin' on the idea? Your all just jealous because you can't come up with something this brilliant.
Plus with a fake tattoo of her adress in a corniate way like X:23 Y:46 13/06/2009 CTS G(England): 14:53 way and Another tatoo of and code that you have invented for time travel system to your feet just like you wanted to hide it from other one else is more reliable through the source and even she saw you you can protect yourself from recognizablity as the absence of your tattoosReplyDelete
PS: Tahn we have the Ultimate Combo of Sarah Connor + BTF + Prison Break yay!
hmm not a bad idea, but what I do is to appear in her room by means of Astral Travel, around 3am is best,.. she is so impressed by this that we get together next time we meet... It takes a bit of practice and focus but is worth it.. you can safely go to hitherto undreamt of destinations, explore atomic structures etc, but it's best to warn the girl before you visit her like this..ReplyDelete
oh future self will you ever learnReplyDelete
FUCKING BRILLIANT! You Sir should be running this country and many others!ReplyDelete
This made me very happy.ReplyDelete
Worked very well for me.ReplyDelete
Absolutely brilliant but for one minor flaw in your reasoning: "All women are very observant". Sorry, but we aren't. Some of us don't notice the little details. Oh, and I'd probably ignore the wounds in an effort to check out the package (hopefully, it wouldn't be a little detail). But that's just me.ReplyDelete
Another possible outcome:ReplyDelete
The girl (convinced) tells her current BF what happened, he things she's mad and leaves her. Win win win.
I've done this twice so farReplyDelete
I tried time travel once. All I got was a speeding ticket for going 88 MPH.ReplyDelete
may be you ll find, there nothing left by her boyfriend for you in her to have sex, and your so much of efforts have gone in vainReplyDelete
Wether she becomes your girlfriend or not, you'll still get laidReplyDelete
Win win situation.
You devious but oh so brilliant person