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Easy Solutions #1

So, you're in love with one of your friends, but she has a boyfriend and probably wouldn't have sex with you anyway.

What you will need: 1 x knife, 1 x ring, access to a sunbed, the ability to grow a beard.

Step One: Place the ring on your wedding finger and avoid contact with your friend for a month.

Step Two: Stop shaving and use the sunbed to gain a tan.

Step Three: After a month when your beard is full and your tan is noticeable, remove the ring from your finger.

Step Four: Remove all your clothes and break into your friend's house.

Step Five: Use the knife to cut your body in various places. Avoid the face. If possible, focus on your back. The more blood the better.

Step Six: Enter your friend's bedroom and lie face down on the floor. Wait for her return.

Step Seven: When she enters the room pretend to be unconscious. Allow her to turn you over and try to wake you for a few seconds before you open your eyes. The injuries to your body will serve as a distraction to your nakedness. She will be more concerned about your wellbeing instead of fearing the naked man in her room.

Step Eight: When she asks you what's happened you should ignore her questions. Instead you must act confused and ask the date. If it's September 15th she will say 'September 15th' to which you must reply 'No, what year is it?'

Step Nine:
Upon hearing the year say the words 'It worked.' Pretend to lose consciousness again for a few seconds, implying that whatever it is that has worked took a great effort.

Step Ten: If your friend is a curious person she will probably ask 'What worked?', even if she doesn't ask this question it is important that you now say the words '(Insert Friend's Name), I'm from the future' in your most deadpan voice.

Step Eleven:
Pause for ten seconds to allow the incrediblness of the situation to sink in. There will be no reason for her to doubt your claim, because your beard will make you appear many years older and your cuts would add weight to the idea that you've come from a post-apocalyptic future where a war is currently taking place.

Step Twelve: Raise your left hand to your face. All women are very observant, so your friend will immediately notice the tanline on your wedding finger. If she is educated to a decent standard she will realise that you are married and your ring has simply disappeared, because clothing and other items cannot travel through time. Your nudity will support this.

Step Thirteen: Now comes the hard part - The monologue. In your own words you must give a speech in which you mention all of these key points:

a) You are married to each other in the future
b) Her current boyfriend is dead
c) The world is coming to an end. It's up to you to pick a reason, but I would recommend a war against machines. This whole situation will be backed up by the Terminator franchise
d) In the future your relationship is not going well
e) You've come back in time because you can't help but feel that she would have been happier with her current boyfriend if he hadn't been killed
f) Her current boyfriend is going to be hit by a bus on a day six months from her present. She should stop him going to work that day
g) If she does exactly what you say this current version of yourself will be erased and you will never get married. If she questions this flaw in your time travel logic, because you cannot change the past, simply reference Back to the Future

Step Fourteen: Unless your friend is made of stone she will now be overcome by emotion, especially at your selflessness. Get to your feet and go to kiss her goodbye. It is important that you do this with the confidence of a man who has done this to her many times.

Step Fifteen: There is now no possible way that you aren't about to have sex with her. You're naked, kissing her, in her bedroom, agreeing to erase a version of yourself from history to make her happy. And as far as she knows you've had sex many times in a future that will no longer happen, so she thinks to herself that maybe she should have one memory of it.

Step Sixteen:
After having the sex, ask to borrow some clothes then leave.

Step Seventeen: Shave off your beard and coat your wedding finger in fake tan. Carry on as if nothing has happened. There will be three possible outcomes:

1) During the sex some feelings that she didn't know existed are awakened and she will leave her boyfriend for you.
2) Life will carry on as normal.
3) You will be filled with guilt because of this moral grey area where you aren't entirely sure if what you've done counts as some kind of low level rape. You will take your own life by hanging, overdose or wrist cutting.

441 comments:

  1. Utter. Fricking. Genius.

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  2. i agree, this is brilliant.

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  3. thats bricken frilliant!

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  4. Shaving after that crap is a bitch...

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  5. THIS IS NICE!!!

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  6. What about the tan-difference between the skin under your beard and the rest of your face post-shave?

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  7. 've actually been back from the future, and it worked almost as well as this blag.

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  8. tried it.
    didn't work.

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  9. It worked great until the part about sex...
    One minute I was doing my GF, and next thing I knew I was in the hosipital geting a blood transfusion.

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  10. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  11. Dumb as shit

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  12. Excellent. However I have tits and therefore cannot grow a beard. How do i get my hot female friend I've been in love with for five years to screw me?

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  13. There are lots of German men who have tits and actually can grow a beard. That's no excuse.

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  14. Pics or it didn't happen

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  15. Devious Bastard!

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  16. Anonymous said... "Excellent. However I have tits and therefore cannot grow a beard. How do i get my hot female friend I've been in love with for five years to screw me?"

    Invite her over to my place for drinks. I guarantee after a few drinks, you'll both be screwed.

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  17. hahaha...that's hardcore. i was thoroughly entertained the whole time...except the part about back to the future...though, a nice touch

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  18. This is absolutely amazing! :D

    But what if the plan works and upon having sex again, she (1) sees the scars, or (2) realizes you're still EXTREMELY tan.

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  19. This is whats wrong with the internet; nonsense coated with commercial trends with nonsense,which brings out the wannabe LLgeekocoolios chanting.

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  20. I did this next week and it totally worked out. Right after we had the sex she reached under her bed and pulled out a tee-shirt with 3 wolves howling at a full moon! The instant I put on the shirt I was transported back in time to now when this hasn't actually happened yet - and somehow I was able to hang on to the sweet wolf shirt. I'm gonna try it again and see if I can't score some more sex and another tee-shirt.

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  21. b e a u t i f u l

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  22. This was in my friend's status message - Very funny - I like it.

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  23. I LOLed. I cried. It was a good cry though. Pure unbridled genius.

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  24. read it, alien23 May 2009 01:18

    So, what happens to the knife? You break into the house, cut yourself, go to her bedroom, but the knife will be still in or around the house. What if she finds it?

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  25. I do this all the time.

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  26. oh americans are so stupid :D

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  27. wahahahajhaahaha! im rolling on my floor now :P

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  28. keep this in mind: if the boyfriend finds you instead of the girl, he will be very hard to convince that you are from the future. I had to stab him and drag his body to the closet.

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  29. of course the knife had to be sent back to the future!
    (which is easy since you can use a relativistic time machine for this direction)

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  30. Congrats. You're on reddit's front-page, top place:
    http://www.reddit.com/r/WTF/comments/8mkwd/so_youre_in_love_with_one_of_your_friends_but_she/

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  31. Are you a nut job or what? Why not just find another girl and ask her out, so much easier, and less likely to land you in jail.

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  32. Dear Chin. That's very good. I still want to collect them all together and publish them.

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  33. and what happens when she asks to see your back?

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  34. resign yourself to being a virgin for the rest of your life.

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  35. absolutely legendary, i will one day implement this!

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  36. stay away from my mom.

    John Conner

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  37. @Shelby

    Who the fuck says "bricken frilliant!" You fucking moron, you distracted me from a great article. I hope you get shot in the face saying that.

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  38. You're a ?$% retard

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  39. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  40. this is awesome and totally would work on me if not for the random tan-ness when confronting you next.

    That and most girls don't like having sex with bleeding duded. Just like the reverse is true.

    Amirite?

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  41. Brilliant. Totally brilliant.

    Fact that I have all that it takes creeps me out.

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  42. This is almost exactly how I got my wife to marry me, only instead of stabbing myself I stabbed her boyfriend at the time. Then I explained that I tried to come back from the future to save him, but arrived a minute too late.

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  43. I've seen this movie!

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  44. how stupi/d is the girl you are in love with

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  45. This is a rape. :(

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  46. Possibility #4... She see's a naked man in her bedroom and rather than investigating she gets freaked out and calls the police and you get arrested and can tell your post apocalyptic story in lockup to your new boyfriend.

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  47. this is f**king stupid! whoever believes this is a retard.. no-one will ever get laid like this. Try being normal!

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  48. This is from season 6 of LOST. Bearded Jack visits Kate from the past and tells her not to blow up her dad's house.

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  49. I hate to point it out to the people who are like 'this is retarded it will never work'.

    Of corse it will never work its just a fun idea that you laught at the absurdity of (the references to Terminator and BTTF illustrate this neatly)

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  50. This post was going to will have being removed by the author.

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  51. Haha thats funny. Oh the imagination of emo pussy-ass virgins.

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  52. hahaha brilliant :D

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  53. I enjoyed the story, but was annoyed that there are just so many crass closed minded people that don't accept other peoples humor. It might not be funny to you. Then again you are probably not funny to other people. Even if other people give you shit about your humor instead of continuing the chain you should learn to laugh at other yourself just like other people do.

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  54. what is funniest about this is that some people are actually taking it seriously enough to call you stupid or telling you to try to be normal....IT'S CALLED A JOKE. the people laughing at this are also laughing at you because you probably wish it would work but are just so pissed off that it won't so you will remain unlaid for eternity because this would be your only hope

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  55. You are fucking stupid.

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  56. This is the most stupid shit i have ever heard...no one would believe you would travel back in time because it is fucking impossible...if a girl ever fell for this she is a dumbass...and you are a dumbass for doing it thinking it would work...find a fucking life and do what most guys do and tell her how you feel...loser

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  57. This is a J O K E people....damn

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  58. Sorry, I meant me, i was talking about myself. It should have read I am fucking stupid.

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  59. Sorry, I meant me, i was talking about myself. It should have read :
    I am fucking stupid.

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  60. i wanna smoke what ever the author was smoking ;)

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  61. Iam gonna try that on my neihbor!Hey thanks

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  62. Iam gonna try that on my neihbor!Hey thanks

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  63. Iam gonna try that on my neighbor

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  64. I am gonna try that on my neighbor! Hey thanks

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  65. coming from a female...
    this is pathetic.
    i dont think any woman is dumb enough to fall for this.

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  66. Or dumb enough to not realise that this is a joke?

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  67. I am a woman. I realize that if any man -- friend, ex-boyfriend or otherwise -- showed up with such a story, I would laugh in his face. The humor of this article, however, I can fully appreciate. For those of you who can't, shut up and go elsewhere to post your moronic responses.

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  68. 1.) Anyone who took this seriously and is talking crap is a moron.

    2.) Won't she/others notice the cuts all over your body? Just saying...

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  69. I think what Lynnette means is, won't she notice after the fact that the "present" you has cuts on your back? You would have to wait a while before hooking up again.


    I love this post!

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  70. awesomeness!

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  71. nice article very funny. people who are talking crap, your ruining a funny joke so please get a life yourself

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  72. grow a beard, get suntan, grab a knife, stab her boyfriend to death, confort your grieving friend and score her when time is right

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  73. HAHAHA, this was actually pretty well planned and thought out. And (coming from a woman) there are some broads who would probably fall for it.. ^.~

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  74. I tried this on your mom and it actually worked OMFGBBQWTFLOOLOLWOOT!

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  75. This is by far the best "get into a girls pants" plan i have EVER heard.

    Sir you should be awarded the Nobel Prize or something similar to reflect the caliber of greatness in this idea!

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  76. As a woman... I would never fall for it, but I would have sex with the man JUST for the creativity of the story.

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  77. An elegant solution to an age old problem. It only goes to show the best ideas are always the simplest.

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  78. This totally happened to me a few months ago, but instead of having sex I threw his tired ass out of my house for bleeding all over my floor. I wasn't all that into him anyways.

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  79. ill shall let you know if it works

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  80. awesome but what would happen if the real you from the future showed up and ruined it? that would be wierd.

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  81. I love this guy...i love him....oh my god...he who wrote is WISE

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  82. being female, i think i wudnt fall for the plan. but id shag the dude anyways for making such a hilarious effort. i mean, who doesnt like a funny naked guy? ;)

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  83. AMAZING is is so perfect almost nothing could go wrong

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  84. Wait a minute, that's how I got my wife. I didn't think it would work but after 3 kids and 30 yrs later I would probably do it all over again.
    What did I have to lose?

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  85. He'd get in my pants.

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  86. I CANT BELIEVE HE TRICKED ME LIKE THAT!!!! I always wondered why he has those scars from the future on his back.

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  87. NICK BEAN AND ALEC DIETZ ARE FAGGOTS

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  88. You're retarded.

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  89. Anonymous is a faggot

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  90. Anonymous, anonmyous, and that Alec Dietz kid are all faggots

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  91. WHAT THE FUCK DON'T YOU DARE CALL ME A NIGGER AGAIN.

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  92. Freaking genius. But back to reality, a girl wouldn't be so stupid to fall for that!

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  93. Best shit I've ever read in my life!

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  94. Excellent! I wish I hadn't read the comments, though, I should have realized the 95% of internet browsers are under the control of utter dipshits. :)

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  95. I tried this, didn't work.

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  96. Simpson's did it.

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  97. Oh how laughed.

    Once... because the idea is pure brilliant...

    Twice... because people are taking this seriously... lovely...

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  98. Genius on so many levels, I can't begin to describe.

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  99. You forget to add "Don't get a hard on in front of the girl" or she will notice it right away that something fishy is going on...

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  100. Okay, I did it.

    It worked and that was the best sex I've ever had. She's one beast in bed.

    She also broke up with her BF and I stepped in and listened to the whole story.

    5 years later; guess what? We're married.

    Oh yeah.

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  101. Goddyamn!!

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  102. thumbs up
    It could possibly work, if the guy doing it had a will of steel.

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  103. Effing Marvelous...
    It's just so sad that some of the other readers don't understand this was written as a fhuking joke. I feel sorry for those guys. Move out of your mothers basement and go make some friends you fhuking retards.

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  104. Lol i just read through all of those comments... it was light when i started...

    good thread though

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  105. Two thumbs up that man!

    You heard.

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  106. what if she doesn't like beards?

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  107. This is a genius piece of literature

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  108. This is a warning to those out there thinking about trying this,.......It didn`t work.

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  109. I read this on another website and it referenced this one..I must say,,This is probably the sickest most discussing thing I have ever read...How can you act and manipulate something like that, what do you think, life is a movie where you act things out!!You must be a big loser to have to act this out, instead of step up like a man and tell her you wanna fuck her!!!Not make her feel sorry for you to have sex..Later, I will probably never come back here,,,,but last thing I want to say is "Life is not a movie where you have to act if you have the balls of a man!!"" Later loser!!!!

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  110. Dude apove me, i dunno, i just read the start of your comment and i lost all happiness in the joke that was above all these comments

    Sadly, half the girls (and women) i know would fall for this so hard it couldn't have hit them harder unless they fell off the highest point on the Planet that had enough gravity to make you fall (pretty much fucking space).

    I live in a sad place.

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  111. You need a girlfriend

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  112. Ive got a boner.

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  113. Now read "The Time Traveler's Wife" and you will get a good idea of how it actually worked for real. Best non-fiction book I read. Ever.

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  114. Ahh MAZING ...

    Whoever doesn't get this is an idiot, and whoever doesn't appreciate the humor is an aforementioned machine!

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  115. haha thats an awesome J O K E. Jeez people, grow a sense of humor.

    I really enjoyed this though, thumbs up on stumble for sure.

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  116. At first I was like ? Then I lol'd!

    Great post!

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  117. This looks like the work of George Constanza....but at some point he must mention to her that he was an architect

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  118. this was so dumb, how did anyone find this brilliant or amazing...i feel dumb for even reading it

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  119. This is some wacky bullshit made for desperate ppl...I like it!
    But this would never work on me!

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  120. this is a mental sickness...

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  121. too much effort is needed for this lame as stunt

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  122. Hilarious but wouldn't work because if the sex happens again, as you presumably want it to, she would notice the scratches/scars from the cuts and would probably catch on...

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  123. shaving is the worst part, fo sho.

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  124. I PRONOUNCE YOU A GENIOUS !!!

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  125. All of the comments are stupid. If you like this, that's fine, but your additions to the joke are empty. If you don't like this because it's "retarded", you're fucking stupid, and that stupidity is evidenced further by your description of something you find too absurd to work as "retarded". Stop listening to ICP. Everyone hates you. This comment is by far the stupidest, because it assumes intellectual high-ground over all others, when, in fact, it's being written by a stoned high school drop-out.

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  126. why are people pissed that this is "the most stupidest shit [they've] ever heard"? it's funny because it can't work and is too much effort to go through to get laid. i'm sorry that everything in your life is so dissapointing that this is worth a nerd-rage explosion, but, really?

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  127. Very, very well done. Sheer genius!....I'm tempted to do it too...just to see what would actually happen.

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  128. This plan is flawless!

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  129. Her Boyfriend came home first and killed me. I had to come back now even further in time to warn you of this flaw. Beware its not the machines....The angels will point the way.

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  130. i demand that this is done. and secretly filmed for youtube. utter. mo'fo'ing genius

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  131. Totally hilarious and totally stupid. LMAO! Dumb people are now going to go out and do this. Oh, I see, ok it is genius!

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  132. On one hand it's cute, on the strong other, he's emotionally disturbed. Too funny!!

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  133. this is awesome. good read

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  134. don't forget to get tanned before you let your beard grow! otherwise you'll look stupid as hell, when you shave it!!!

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  135. pure brilliance

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  136. this was too amazing, wish i would've thought of this!

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  137. oh, jolly good!

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  138. you got a rotten mind man. you are a the greatest genius of all times keep doing this please, i beg you

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  139. nice one. have you try it? because is genius!

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  140. This bitch has to be blonde. Or stupid.

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  141. I tried it, it didn't work

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  142. This is pretty funny, ill say that. But, what is more funny, is all the geniuses explaining why it won't work. LOL, Really?

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  143. more movie references.. needed.

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  144. Where is a good place to purchase fake tan ?

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  145. Brilliant. Can't wait for "Easy Solutions #2".

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  146. 1. You should use spray tan so it can wash off and give you back your pasty look to help convince the girl when she see you next that you nothing about future you.

    2. Stab wounds are hard to fake, especially if you dont want scarring. I would recommend two all-nighters in a row and and a 2km run to build up a sweat and an older appearance.

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  147. Wow!

    It worked!

    I just came back from the future to erase the comment I left here 10 minutes from now.

    Woot.

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  148. Or just grow a beard and impress her with how manly you are... that always works for me.

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  149. This is Awesome. I tip my hat to you good sir!

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  150. where tha white women at?

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  151. Brilliant! Simply brilliant!!

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  152. This would totally work on me.

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  153. That's my plan for the weekend! Genius

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  154. My God... This will sound like B.S. but my brother, who I've always felt was somewhat of a crazed genius - whilst enjoying all the fun that 5 doses of "snoopy" blotter acid provides, told me this exact idea, almost word for word - 25 years ago when we where 17 and 18 years of age. I am in awe!

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  155. Oh I'm a female to and I would fall for this soo badly. Rough naked guy on the floor when my boyfriend's out? mrwar..

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  156. erm it worked sort of except my friend came back not his girl friend........ahem!

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  157. I can no longer use the internet. I have found the funniest thing on it.

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  158. It's been 180 comments so there's a chance you won't even read this. BUT. I had to share. I LOVED THIS. And even though I hate it when people leave comments just to link to their own blogs, I wrote a blog with a similar concept a few years ago that I thought you had to read:

    I called it "Guaranteed Prank War Winners".

    NOT THAT I'M IMPLYING YOU RIPPED ME OFF! :) But when I read this I thought we definitely had the same sense of humor, seeing as how we both wrote blogs about excessively convoluted ways to get selfish gains. :)

    Cheers! Have a good day! And how the hell do I get *my* blog to get this many comments? :)

    --Chris

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  159. been there done that

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  160. Why didn't I think of this? Oh, that's right, I HAVE A LIFE!!

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  161. I once had a similar experience while drinking Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 gallon, 128 ounces. It was transcendental.

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  162. "I once had a similar experience while drinking Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 gallon, 128 ounces. It was transcendental."

    No.

    It's like Ghostbusters: you cannot - CANNOT - allow the memes to cross!

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  163. I´M A GIRL WHAT SHOULD I DO???

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  164. Last anon poster has it down. If anyone did this to me I think I'd have to be won over by the sheer balls, dedication, and inventiveness, honestly. I mean, if it hadn't already been posted online.

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  165. that is quite possibly the best thing I have ever had the pleasure of reading! xD

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  166. Such an idiotic crap..... Can't believe that any girl would fall for this

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  167. This is complete awesomeness. A fantastic idea. I would try it, except I'm a girl.

    And what is it with all you losers who are hatin' on the idea? Your all just jealous because you can't come up with something this brilliant.

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  168. Plus with a fake tattoo of her adress in a corniate way like X:23 Y:46 13/06/2009 CTS G(England): 14:53 way and Another tatoo of and code that you have invented for time travel system to your feet just like you wanted to hide it from other one else is more reliable through the source and even she saw you you can protect yourself from recognizablity as the absence of your tattoos

    PS: Tahn we have the Ultimate Combo of Sarah Connor + BTF + Prison Break yay!

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  169. hmm not a bad idea, but what I do is to appear in her room by means of Astral Travel, around 3am is best,.. she is so impressed by this that we get together next time we meet... It takes a bit of practice and focus but is worth it.. you can safely go to hitherto undreamt of destinations, explore atomic structures etc, but it's best to warn the girl before you visit her like this..

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  170. oh future self will you ever learn

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  171. FUCKING BRILLIANT! You Sir should be running this country and many others!

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  172. This made me very happy.

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  173. Worked very well for me.

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  174. Absolutely brilliant but for one minor flaw in your reasoning: "All women are very observant". Sorry, but we aren't. Some of us don't notice the little details. Oh, and I'd probably ignore the wounds in an effort to check out the package (hopefully, it wouldn't be a little detail). But that's just me.

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  175. Another possible outcome:

    The girl (convinced) tells her current BF what happened, he things she's mad and leaves her. Win win win.

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  176. I've done this twice so far

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  177. I tried time travel once. All I got was a speeding ticket for going 88 MPH.

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  178. may be you ll find, there nothing left by her boyfriend for you in her to have sex, and your so much of efforts have gone in vain

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  179. Wether she becomes your girlfriend or not, you'll still get laid

    Win win situation.

    You devious but oh so brilliant person

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