Easy Solutions #3

So, you want your favourite singer to write a song about you, but she has no idea that you even exist.

What you will need: 1 x Superman t-shirt, 3 x Tough Guys, 1 x Van, Basic Fighting Skills.

Step One: Start by locating the singer. Until Google releases its Celebrity Locator program, the best tool you have at your disposal is Twitter. Celebrities often use Twitter to announce their exact location to the world.

Step Two: When the singer is leaving her location signal for the three tough guys to attack her and steal her handbag/purse/petty cash. Depending on the singer’s level of fame, she might have a bodyguard. Increase the toughness of your guys accordingly.

Step Three: Wearing your Superman t-shirt stop the singer from being attacked. Use basic fighting techniques to subdue the tough guys.

Step Four: It is vital that during the fight you are hit in the mouth, causing your lip to tear on your teeth. Unless you have some kind of blood disorder you should now bleed heavily from the mouth.

Step Five: Once you become victorious the attackers should run away. At this point you should shout the words “You’d better run.”

Step Six: Ideally the singer would have been pushed to the floor during the attack. After the attackers have fled you can help her up by grabbing her hands. This physical contact soon after an attack will form a strong bond between the two of you. Show no signs that you know who the singer is.

Step Seven: The singer will look upon your chest and see the Superman logo and it will be impossible for her to resist saying something like “You’re a hero.” Play this down by saying “It’s just a t-shirt”. She will be impressed by your modesty. In her mind you and Superman will now be linked. Under no circumstances must you swap the Superman t-shirt for the full costume. And it has to be Superman. Do not risk wearing a Batman t-shirt, because of his mental health issues.

Step Eight: Offer to walk the singer wherever she’s going. She will prefer to get a taxi, but all of her money will now be in the possession of the attackers. If she persists in asking for a taxi, simply say “I’m pretty sure those guys were taxi drivers.”

Step Nine: As you walk with her be as charming as possible. If you are not a charming person simply adopt the personality of a Will Smith or Owen Wilson type character. Do not use an accent unless you can maintain it consistently.

Step Ten: As you chat away, seemingly oblivious to your singer’s fame, she will find the whole experience a refreshing change. She will open up in ways she never thought possible since her rise to stardom. Using information you’ve picked up from her interviews, make yourself seem like her ideal lover. For example, if you know that she likes cats, comment on how good you think cats are.

Step Eleven: When you arrive at the destination she will have developed feelings of a romantic nature for you. As you say goodbye she will want to kiss you. This is why it is important for your lip to be bleeding. Kissing will not be an option. It will cause her to be frustrated.

Step Twelve: As you walk off, turn around and call back to her, something that references one of her songs. She will be amazed that you knew who she was the whole time. These words will also be the signal to the van that has been following you both.

Step Thirteen: The van containing the three tough guys must now pull up alongside you. Two should get out and proceed to beat you up. Once you are beaten into a bloody pulp, they should pick you up and throw you into the back of the van, not before one of them shouts “Dammit, Danny, you’ve killed another one.”

Step Fourteen: Your favourite singer will now be heartbroken. She will never get that kiss. Wanting to avoid a media scandal she will not report these events to the police. It would be bad for her career to be connected to a murder. Instead she will go into her room and do the only thing she knows how – she will write a song about the man who died saving her life, the man she never got to kiss.

Step Fifteen: Wait for the singer to release her latest album. Listen to it until you hear a song that references the events of steps 2-13. It should be easily identifiable, because it will contain the line “I didn’t even know his name.”

Notes: You will have reservations about doing this, because you will have seen this tactic used in every single sitcom, always with terrible results, but this is real life and it will work. It's advisable not to try this any anyone who is too famous.

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