322

"Come See The Amazing Rapping Donkey" the sign said. "Only $4". I don't know why they were charging dollars when we were in Bolton, but luckily I always carry small change in every currency. I paid my money and they led me into the tent. Sure enough, there was a donkey rapping on the stage, he was dressed in diamonds, gold and six baseball caps, like a gangster version of Buckaroo. I walked straight back out.

"I'd like my money back." I said to the dwarf at the concession stand.
"What's the problem?" she said, poking me in the chest with a tiny plastic spear.
"That donkey is performing The Real Slim Shady. He's just reciting someone else's song. True rapping comes from the heart, that donkey is rapping from the ears."
"No refunds." she said. "Now get out of here."

In a fit of rage at the poor customer service I grabbed her head and twisted it clean off, crying out to the heavens, roaring like a tiger/lion hybrid. As I stood there holding her face in my hands I had an uncontrolable urge to take a bite out of it. It tasted like candyfloss. Everything went cloudy.

A moment later the world became clear again. I looked down at my niece's decapitated body and immediately regretted taking all of those mushrooms before coming to the carnival. I'm the worst uncle.

Richard, Bolton.

321

I'll never forget the time me and my girlfriend were the last two people on Earth. It was kind of a big deal for us, because we'd only been going out for three months and I was hoping she was going to break up with me soon.
"I guess we'll have to repopulate the world." I said, as I fired my plasma rifle at a radioactive bison.
"Not right now." she said "I've got a headache."

Eleven months later we had our first child. We named him Denise. It was my idea to reboot women's names as names for men. Nobody would know.
"I guess we'd better start trying to make a sister for Denise." I said to my wife, as I parked the space shuttle inside our dormant volcano palace.
"I never really planned on having more than one." she said.
"Yes, but we can't have just one child."
"Why not?" she said "I was an only child and I turned out ok."

Dustin, San Diego.