350

"Place the ring on her finger and repeat after me." said the priest. Chester nervously placed his grandmother's wedding ring on Felicity's finger. Then came the vows, the kissing, the confetti and the long awkward drive to the reception where they both wondered if they'd made a terrible mistake.

After dinner there were speeches of varying tones, from light hearted Farrelly Brothers to emotional Disney. Chester asked for everyone to raise a glass to his grandparents who had passed away the year before. His grandmother had eventually succumbed to the confusion which had plagued her for a decade. In protest to a 30% rise in city centre parking charges she had decided to park her car at the bottom of a lake. A week later, stricken by grief, Chester's grandfather was seen throwing himself into the same lake where his wife of 60 years had drowned. Although his body was never recovered.

After tears were shed and cakes were cut it was time for dancing. The bride and groom met on the dancefloor as You Can Never Hold Back Spring by Tom Waits sounded from the speakers. But before the first chorus arrived there was a defeaning bang as the doors to the ballroom flew open. There stood Chester's grandfather, naked from the waist down. Very much alive, very much erect.

"I have come for my bride." he roared, pointing at Felicity with both his finger and his penis. He approached the startled newlywed and began to kiss her. Nobody tried to stop him. They were too shocked and amazed. Shocked that he was still alive, amazed that a man of his age could maintain an erection so strong and true.

Eventually, after the trouserless grandfather made strides towards second base, Chester took hold of him and said "This is my wife, grandad. Nana is dead."

"Then why does she wear my wife's ring? By law she is now my bride." exclaimed the old man. He grabbed Felicity's breast. Neither Felicity nor Chester were lawyers and were unsure of what to do. Perhaps he was right. There did seem to be some logic to what he was saying.

"Maybe I should go with him..." Felicity whispered to her husband. "He is very old. I don't want to upset him."

"Yes. It's probably for the best." Chester agreed.

Hand in hand, Felicity and the grandfather left the wedding reception. "I can't believe you fell for that." he said as they got into the limousine. "But it's too late. If you go back now you'll look like an idiot." And he was right.