The Make-A-Wish Foundation came to him on his deathbed and offered him one wish.
"I wish for Sarah Michelle Gellar and Kristen Bell to fight for my love." he told them.
An hour later the diminutive blonde stars of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Veronica Mars were standing beside his bed. "You may begin!" he roared.
Immediately Kristen threw a fist into Gellar's face, knocking her across the hospital room. Sarah got to her feet and went straight for Bell's hair. Kristen retaliated by unleashing a headbutt.
As the fight went on, Gellar's superior combat training became apparent. Bell was tiring and Gellar was evading the incoming attacks with ease. Desperate to gain an advantage, Kristen shouted "Hey, is that Joss Whedon?" pointing at the window. Sarah turned. There was nobody there. Kristen tackled Sarah to the floor and sank her teeth into her neck. Gellar had no time to appreciate the reference. She was losing blood fast. She jammed her thumbs into Kristen's eyes and let out an inhuman cry.
They rolled around, tearing away at each other's flesh, banging heads against the tooth littered floor. "He loves me more!" he heard one of them cry, but he couldn't tell who, the voice seemed to be coming from the depths of Hell. Still they rolled. He saw a severed ear tangled in Kristen's bloody hair. It was getting to be too much, so he closed his eyes.
Ten minutes later the sounds of fighting stopped. He opened his eyes. Sarah Michelle Gellar lay crumpled and dead on floor. Kristen got to her feet and gave a toothless bloody smile. One of her eyes had come loose from the socket, she was missing an ear and much of the hair on the left side of her head. She appeared to have pissed herself. "I won." she coughed, as she tried to kiss him, splattering blood across his face.
He realised that he no longer found this woman attractive and had no desire to seduce her. The wish had backfired. "I should have specified that I didn't want a fight to the death. An arm wrestle would have been enough." he thought to himself. Not wanting the whole affair to be a complete waste of time, he called for the doctor. "I think I might have found a donor." he announced, pointing at the lifeless body in the corner of the room. The doctor ran some tests. A perfect match! He was taken straight into the operating theatre. They cut out his heart and replaced it with the heart of Sarah Michelle Gellar.
As soon as he awoke after surgery he called Kristen into his room. They'd managed to re-attach her ear, but the eye was a goner. "I'm sorry I look this way." she wept.
"It's ok." he told her. "I have something for you." She came and sat on the bed. He reached into the drawer, pulled out a bloodsoaked cardboard box and gave her his heart.
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