311

Easy Solutions #3

So, you want your favourite singer to write a song about you, but she has no idea that you even exist.

What you will need: 1 x Superman t-shirt, 3 x Tough Guys, 1 x Van, Basic Fighting Skills.

Step One: Start by locating the singer. Until Google releases its Celebrity Locator program, the best tool you have at your disposal is Twitter. Celebrities often use Twitter to announce their exact location to the world.

Step Two: When the singer is leaving her location signal for the three tough guys to attack her and steal her handbag/purse/petty cash. Depending on the singer’s level of fame, she might have a bodyguard. Increase the toughness of your guys accordingly.

Step Three: Wearing your Superman t-shirt stop the singer from being attacked. Use basic fighting techniques to subdue the tough guys.

Step Four: It is vital that during the fight you are hit in the mouth, causing your lip to tear on your teeth. Unless you have some kind of blood disorder you should now bleed heavily from the mouth.

Step Five: Once you become victorious the attackers should run away. At this point you should shout the words “You’d better run.”

Step Six: Ideally the singer would have been pushed to the floor during the attack. After the attackers have fled you can help her up by grabbing her hands. This physical contact soon after an attack will form a strong bond between the two of you. Show no signs that you know who the singer is.

Step Seven: The singer will look upon your chest and see the Superman logo and it will be impossible for her to resist saying something like “You’re a hero.” Play this down by saying “It’s just a t-shirt”. She will be impressed by your modesty. In her mind you and Superman will now be linked. Under no circumstances must you swap the Superman t-shirt for the full costume. And it has to be Superman. Do not risk wearing a Batman t-shirt, because of his mental health issues.

Step Eight: Offer to walk the singer wherever she’s going. She will prefer to get a taxi, but all of her money will now be in the possession of the attackers. If she persists in asking for a taxi, simply say “I’m pretty sure those guys were taxi drivers.”

Step Nine: As you walk with her be as charming as possible. If you are not a charming person simply adopt the personality of a Will Smith or Owen Wilson type character. Do not use an accent unless you can maintain it consistently.

Step Ten: As you chat away, seemingly oblivious to your singer’s fame, she will find the whole experience a refreshing change. She will open up in ways she never thought possible since her rise to stardom. Using information you’ve picked up from her interviews, make yourself seem like her ideal lover. For example, if you know that she likes cats, comment on how good you think cats are.

Step Eleven: When you arrive at the destination she will have developed feelings of a romantic nature for you. As you say goodbye she will want to kiss you. This is why it is important for your lip to be bleeding. Kissing will not be an option. It will cause her to be frustrated.

Step Twelve: As you walk off, turn around and call back to her, something that references one of her songs. She will be amazed that you knew who she was the whole time. These words will also be the signal to the van that has been following you both.

Step Thirteen: The van containing the three tough guys must now pull up alongside you. Two should get out and proceed to beat you up. Once you are beaten into a bloody pulp, they should pick you up and throw you into the back of the van, not before one of them shouts “Dammit, Danny, you’ve killed another one.”

Step Fourteen: Your favourite singer will now be heartbroken. She will never get that kiss. Wanting to avoid a media scandal she will not report these events to the police. It would be bad for her career to be connected to a murder. Instead she will go into her room and do the only thing she knows how – she will write a song about the man who died saving her life, the man she never got to kiss.

Step Fifteen: Wait for the singer to release her latest album. Listen to it until you hear a song that references the events of steps 2-13. It should be easily identifiable, because it will contain the line “I didn’t even know his name.”


Notes: You will have reservations about doing this, because you will have seen this tactic used in every single sitcom, always with terrible results, but this is real life and it will work. It's advisable not to try this any anyone who is too famous.

310

Easy Solutions #2

So, you want to kiss your sexy neighbour, but you've never even said hello.

What you will need: 1 x computer with photoshop, 1 x printer, 1 x A4 envelope, 1 x black pen, 1 x red pen, 1 x stamp, 1 x pot of extra strength glue, 1 x photo of yourself with a lady.


Step One: Use your computer to photoshop Angelina Jolie's head onto the lady's body in your photograph. If you are unable to do this, seek the assistance of a ten year old child.

Step Two: Print out the photo, place it in a frame and hang it in your hallway.

Step Three: Use your computer to write a script for a short Hollywood film. Put all of your effort into it, because although it will probably never get made, you might discover that you have a hidden talent.

Step Four: Print out two copies of the script and place them in the envelope. Write your name and address on the envelope using the black pen. Then, using the red pen, write the words "Confidential" and "Urgent" in bold capital letters. Exclamation marks are optional.

Step Five: Lick the stamp and stick it on the top right hand corner of the envelope.

Step Six: On Saturday morning stand outside your neighbour's house until the postman arrives. As soon as he posts your neighbour's letters run up to her door and post your envelope.

Step Seven: Return home and glue your letterbox shut.

Step Eight: Pretty soon your neighbour will discover your envelope and she will immediately bring it to the correct address, because of the bold red writing. She will be unable to simply post it through your letterbox, because you have glued it shut. When she knocks your door, answer it.

Step Nine: When she hands you the envelope say the words "Oh, thank God. I was worried I wasn't going to get this in time before Monday." The "Confidential" written on the envelope will have made her curious, so she may ask what the envelope contains.

Step Ten:Even if she doesn't, casually announce that it's just the script for a new film you're starring in with Angelina Jolie. While your neighbour is being impressed mention that you've just opened a bottle of wine. Ask her if she would like a glass. You won't need to have a bottle ready. She will automatically decline, because it's Saturday morning, but it will make you appear artistic, because only creative types drink wine in the morning.

Step Eleven: There's a 50/50 chance that she will now ask if you know Angelina Jolie. Even if she doesn't ask this question it is important that you now point her towards the photograph hanging in your hallway, thus causing her to enter your house.

Step Twelve: Whilst she is looking at the photo, open the envelope and say the words "Why have they sent me two?"

Step Thirteen: After she is done admiring the photograph say the words "Hey, you wouldn't mind running through a few scenes with me, would you?" She will be reluctant to decline, because she's already declined your offer of wine and won't want to seem rude, especially to a man who she now believes to be an associate of a top movie star.

Step Fourteen: Take her into the living room and tell her that you aren't in many of the early scenes, so you should start with the final act.

Step Fifteen: After she's read a few lines, compliment her by saying "You're very good. Have you done any acting before?" This will put her at ease.

Step Sixteen: Now, if you've written your script correctly, you will have included a climax where you and Angelina Jolie's character kiss. It's Hollywood writing 101. Upon reading the direction notes of this scene your neighbour will instinctively be reluctant to kiss a man she's only just met on a Saturday morning.

Step Seventeen: However, before she says the words "We don't have to kiss, do we?" she will start to think about Angelina Jolie and her lips. All women have the exact same strong feelings about Angelina Jolie, and no matter what they say, it is thinly veiled jealousy. Your neighbour will start to wonder about you kissing Angelina Jolie on Monday. At first she will realise that this is her one opportunity to beat Angelina Jolie by being a better kisser. Then she will imagine the kiss chain from her, to you, to Angelina Jolie, to Brad Pitt. This will seal the deal in her mind.

Step Eighteen: When your neighbour moves her mouth close to your's, begin to kiss her. Mission accomplished.

Step Nineteen(Optional): If you want to take a risk, you can make your script about a man who kisses his neighbour by doing this exact thing. Your neighbour might appreciate the Charlie Kauffman quality to it. It's a good way to come clean and rid yourself of the guilt. If she admires your efforts you might enter into a love affair. Sadly this step will only work 60% of the time.

Notes: Women can use this tutorial by simply replacing the photo of Angelina Jolie with Johnny Depp.

308

A heart shaped submarine doesn't show up on sonar. They say it's simple physics, but I know the power of love.

Dickie, Exeter.

307

It was a worringly hot summer's day when the doorbell rang. A doorbell that plays 'We wish you a Merry Christmas' seemed like a good idea six months ago, but things change, people change. Upon opening the door I was confronted by a child who couldn't have been older than ten.

'I’m sorry to bother you,' he said 'But I’m here to talk to you about a very exciting... thing.' There was a hint of Scottish in his accent and his confident manner unsettled me. 'Tell me, do you ever send mail?' I nodded in agreement, whilst putting my foot behind the door, ready to stop any sudden advance. 'That’s great.' he said. 'Now, if you don’t mind me asking, how do you do that?'

'Well I just write a letter then post it.' I told him.

'And you do that on paper?' Once again I nodded in agreement.

'Now there’s your problem right there. The reason I’m here is to offer you this opportunity to purchase these genuine mail tiles for a low, low price.' He made a step to his left, revealing the two foot high pile of rusty brown tiles behind him.

'Why the heck would I want to send my mail on a tile, boy?' I said, half relieved he wasn't trying to make me join a cult, half annoyed at my time being wasted.

'The reason is very simple. Say, for example, a colleague or associate had borrowed a DVD, maybe your favourite DVD, and he’d had it for over six months. Well, you wouldn’t want to put a brick through his window to get it back, would you? You need to save that heavy stuff for your enemies. And what’s a letter going to do when he can just recycle or set fire to it? You need to show you mean business, but how? Mail tiles. Plain and simple. It’s the perfect balance, like a miniature brick for slotting through letterboxes. When he arrives home and sees a tile on his doormat you can be sure that DVD’s gonna be on your desk come Monday morning. And if it’s not, you could easily stick a couple of tiles together to make something similar to a brick. So what do you say? Can I put you down for a hundred?'

'Son, where in God’s flowers did you get all these tiles?' I asked.

'I run a small factory. That much I can assure you.' he said, trying to offer me a business card written on the back of a train ticket.

After politely, but firmly, declining his offer I asked that he never knocked my door again. When he said he'd rung the doorbell I told him to watch his goddamn cheek. Give a kid a factory and he thinks he owns the world.

It would be nearly two days before I noticed the rain coming in through my ceiling.

Tony, Sunderland.