315

I'd literally just moved into the neighbourhood. I couldn't have been there for more than ten minutes before a man knocked on my door.

"Welcome." he said, "It's a pleasure to meet you", which was strange because we hadn't met yet. The door was still closed. Maybe he was practicing.

When I opened the door I saw a man, maybe seven feet tall, dressed in some kind of faux military uniform and carrying two fishing rods.
"I'm Randy. Let's go fishing."
"Hi, Randy. I'm Anthony. I can't really go fishing right now, I'm still unpacking."
"Nonsense. These boxes will still be here when we get back" he said, kicking the box nearest the door. "Let's go."

I wasn't sure what to do. For a moment I just stood there, hoping he'd go away. When he didn't I got a little worried, so half an hour later I was sitting in Randy's little fishing boat in the middle of a lake.
"My dad used to bring me here every year." he said.
"It's nice. How long will we be staying?"
"As long as it takes."

An hour passed and we'd yet to catch a single fish. I was about ready to demand to be allowed to go home when something began to pull at my rod.
"I think I've got something." I said.
"Give it to me." Randy yelled, taking hold of my rod and pushing me to the side. Ten seconds later I could see the fish dangling on the line. Randy pulled it in and gripped it with two hands. He stared at it deeply for a moment, then he began to shake it.
"Where is it? Tell me where it is!" he screamed. After a minute of the same question over and over again Randy gave up and threw the fish back in the water.

Over the next two hours we caught eight fish, all were met with the exact same question and violent shaking. All were thrown back. Just after Randy placed the ninth fish back in the water he said "Come on then. Let's go home."

We travelled back to town in Randy's pickup truck in silence. What was with this man? Was he about to become my best friend? My crazy best friend who lives in my street and doesn't leave me alone.

We pulled up outside my new house. I thanked Randy for the ride and started to walk up my driveway. Curiosity was beginning to get the better of me, so I turned back. "Hey, Randy. What were you looking for?"
"What do you mean?" he said.
"You kept asking the fish about something."
"Oh, no, I'm not looking for anything."
"Then why do you ask them the same question?"
"That's just the way my father taught me to fish."

I had nothing left to say.

Anthony, Austin.

313

My local cinema was never too strict. It wasn't part of a chain, so there was a bit more freedom. It was nice, hardly any evilness. They knew there was no way they could stop people bringing their own food in, so they only enforced the "You CANNOT bring HOT food in" rule, which is a good thing. You don't want people eating Mcdonalds in the backrow, because a cinema is one of the few places in the world you can get away from Mcdonalds and Burger King, if only for a few hours.

I was watching Backdraft and looking at the flames as the plan came to me, a plan that would take up the next twenty-five years of my life. I'd always been a rule exploiter, able to find the tiniest loophooles and push limits to the limit. One day I realised that although I was only allowed to take cold food in, there was nothing to stop me cooking it once I was in there. I started small with a fondue, then worked my way up to a disposable barbeque. There was usually a lot left over, so I'd share it with my fellow filmgoers. People loved it. I'd always fancied myself as a bit of a chef, but I never dreamed of opening my own restaurant, because it's such a huge gamble. By the time you've read this sentence five restaurants have gone bankrupt. Now six.

Eventually word got out that there was a man with a portable gas stove who cooked the best steaks in town. The cinema turned a blind eye, because it was good for both of us. Box office takings were up and I was getting the praise I'd looked for my whole life. I was more or less running my own restaurant with the overheads of a lemonade stand. Nearly half the people in every screening were couples who had only come for dinner, and everyone was having a good time. It's how I imagined the 60s were, but darker and with better seats.

Sadly, a day came when I was defeated by a bastard. The chances were slim, but I'd ended up in the same screen as probably the only man in the world who didn't like the smell of bacon being fried. He complained to the manager, who had no option but to rethink the entire situation.

The year was 1997 when we put our heads together. It took just four meetings to come up with the perfect solution. Titanic had been out for just over a month and everyone had already seen it. We made the 12.45pm and 7pm showings of James Cameron's epic the official opening times of my restaurant. Everyone going into the film would know the deal, so any complaints could be dismissed like tears in the rain.

The plan was a success and I single handedly kept Titanic in the cinema for a year, breaking box office records and launching Leonardo Di Caprio into the A-List. Eventually people started getting annoyed with Titanic on in the background, so we changed it to a hot new film - Wild Wild West. It was a terrible decision and more food was thrown at the screen than the time I'd overcooked the tomatoes. We decided to simply rotate the films between Wayne's World, Lethal Weapon and Die Hard, three films nobody ever tires of.

Unfortunately, it all went heartbreakingly wrong in 2017, after twenty-five years of good films and good food. The owner of the cinema, a man who had become a close friend of mine, passed away. He left his humble business to his only son, Eric, a man who had no interest in films. Eric had always wanted a big pile of money, so my restaurant was sold to Odeon without delay.

When the boys from HQ came to inspect what was going on they were horrified. Their team of accountants, hearts so black with emptiness that their mouths would suck in sunlight, burst into panic and anger when they realised that I was stopping customers from buying their popcorn and nachos of the lowest quality but highest price. They needed it fixed. They needed the rules changed to a level of strictness that only a chain could abide.

A week later, after the experts had worked their terrifying magic, my local cinema was no longer a place of joy and heartwarming goodtimes. It was a level 5 cinema prison. The strictest there is. You weren't allowed to take in any recording equipment, which is usually pretty standard, but a level 5 means that they would drug you before you went in to stop you forming any lasting memories. Odeon's managers had come to realise that memories were potentially causing piracy by allowing viewers to remake the film themselves and put it on the internet. Just after the film finished, before you'd completely forgotten everything, they gave you a piece of paper to write a number between 1 and 10. In years to come that piece of paper would be your only reminder that you'd ever seen the film and that number the only measure of whether you had enjoyed it or not.

Luckily for me I'd always been a cautious man. It was time to enact the plan I'd first thought of in that screening of Backdraft many years before. Ever since my first fondue watching The Cable Guy I had been using it as a distraction of that fact that I was slowly filling my local cinema with C4 plastic explosives. Before they got a chance to shut me down I struck without warning. Now my town has no cinema, but at least I never had to go through the indignity of being told I was out of business. I went out on my own terms, in a scene of fire and explosions fit for any hollywood movie.

314

Films that might get made:

To Helen Back: The Andersons of 666 Hellfire Terrace keep getting mail for a woman named Helen Back, but according to the council nobody with that name has ever lived at that address. What the hell is going on?

Punk'd You, Asian: Ashton Kutcher's hit show hits the big screen. Twitter's number one son travels to India and messes up all of their legal documents by removing all the commas, with hilarious consequences. Will it start an international conflict?

Parrots of the Caribbean: Remake of the original using the exact same script, but with all the actors replaced by CGI parrots, thus alienating all of the adults who were surprisngly impressed by the original. A box office smash!

Super-Man: The story of Marvel trying to outfox DC's lawyers by making their own Superman film by adding a hyphen to his name.

Pistol, Smoke: Michael Cera plays Johnny Pistol, a young man struggling to cope with peer pressure as his friends encourage him to smoke. Are they really his friends?

Ex-Stacey: From the producers of Pistol, Smoke, comes a touching drama about a young girl, Stacey Drinkwater, who dies after taking ectasy for the first time, which has the wonderful knock on effect of bringing her parents closer together after years of unhappy marriage.

Only In America: Morgan Freeman narrates a list of items only available in the USA.

Deadline: Postman, Ewan Mcgregor, is the last but one man on Earth and about to face his toughest assignment yet; deliver a package to the last man on Earth (Mel Gibson) before a deadly virus wipes out all mankind.

Mario Prologue: A young Italian carpenter puts himself through plumbing school whilst trying to raise his younger brother.

Spaghetti and Meatballs: Partners Detective John Bangers and Vince Mash are the laughing stock of the police force. Tired of the daily bullying they both get their names changed without telling the other with hilarious consequences.

Rock-E: In the distant future, Rocky Balboa is more machine than man and he's the last boxer on Earth. Who will fight him? Nobody.

312

Films not coming out in 2010:

Beatle Jews - An imaginary tale. What if the Beatles' plane had crash landed in Israel on their way to India? See John and Paul as you've never seen them before, as accountants, movie producers and other Jewish stereotypes.

The Bourne Collector - Thriller. Denzel Washington plays a quadriplegic forensic expert with nothing to do all day except watch films. A fan of the Bourne Trilogy, he has them all on dvd, even the four disc special edition of The Bourne Ultimatum which was only available in Japan. Now, with no more films on the way, there's only one more thing to add to his collection - Matt Damon. The hunt is on.

Total Freecall - Arnie is back and this time it's personal. A personal call that is! The Governor of California has free phonecalls after 6pm to any landline for up to an hour, but when the film is two hours long will he remember to hangup and redial halfway through?

Mint's Condition - Jessica Alba is a single mother with a broken heart. With no money to pay for an operation she looks destined to leave her daughter an orphan. All until billionaire Harvey Mint (Jude Law) offers to pay for her surgery, but he has one condition - Alba must marry him for one year. Can conditional love ever become unconditional?

Right to Remain Soylent? - Charlton Heston is Non-Brand Hotdogs number one employee. On a typical Tuesday disaster strikes at the factory when his finger is chopped off and falls into a tin of hotdogs, which is quickly lost. Does he tell his foreman and stop production immediately costing the business millions of dollars or should he stay quiet and carry on as normal?

S-Word in the Stone - After Basic Instinct 2 flops at the box office, Sharon Stone becomes deeply saddened, causing a terrifying case of constipation.

Lost in Trainstation - Big Budget Sequel. On his way to the airport, Bill Murray must tackle Tokyo's busiest train station. Will he find his platform when all the signs are in Japanese?

The Bustop - While waiting for a bus a small breasted woman is shot down by an accidental gang shooting. With just minutes to live all she can think about is how she never got the chest she always wanted. Luckily for her, also waiting for the same bus is L.A.'s number one plastic surgeon (Jude Law). When the bus is only 30 seconds away and he's already late for work, will he have time to carry out the procedure? Bigger won't make her better.

The Car Ate A Kid - Comedy Farce. Ralph Macchio is the world's best driving instructor, but when his car is stolen by ninjas he needs a new one fast. Minutes later he finds one in an abandoned fairground. After showing the new car to his six year old son the unthinkable happens. Will he find a new son at the abandoned fairground before his wife gets home?

Deceit - Nicholas Cage plays a tough New York City cop with a dark secret - He's actually a fireman.

Return to Cinder - After the party of the year Prince Charming has to clean up the mess before the King and Queen get back from Canada. With no time to find Cinderella to deliver her glass slipper he uses DHL courier service. Will Cindy fall in love with the delivery man and live contently ever after?

Glad He Ate Her - Russell Crowe awakens on a desert island all alone except for a woman he's never liked. When starvation sets in he has no choice but to devour her without regret.

Cash of the Tight'Uns - Two moderately wealthy men compare bank statements in their garden, but when a charity fundraiser lady comes calling they refuse to give a donation.

Bigg - Tom Hanks wakes up to find his wildest dream come true. He's young, he's black and his debut album has just gone platinum.

Crime Scene - When socialite Paris Hilton trades the velvet rope for police tape it's only a matter of time before everybody is hanging out at murder central. How can the same woman always be at the wrong place at the right time?

Trash Talk - Detroit's worst garbage man (Eddie Murphy) is only one day away from getting the sack when he develops the power to communicate with anything that has been thrown away. A genuine stinker.

Speed 3 - Retired cop, Keanu Reeves, struggles to adapt to a world that's moving too fast. With wireless internet and bluetooth headsets on every corner, how will our hero react when someone has just told him that you can pause live tv?

151

In a bid to dilute life's cruel taste I submerged myself in water for forty years. When I awoke from my watery dream I was too wrinkled to be called a man and too man to be called a wrinkle. I knew that I could no longer call dry land my home and I had failed to find comfort in the depths of the darkest oceans. My only option was to freeze myself within a block of man-sized ice in the desperate hope that future generations may find a cure for loneliness.

Hal, Ice.


Competition:

Hello competitioners, batteriesfeelincluded fans and black-hearted plagiarists. It's been a thrilling week or so, and all of us here are overjoyed with the success of what is hopefully the first of many batteriesfeelincluded drawing competitions. The entries were frequently of an above average quality, and you should all be proud of yourselves.

Special mentions go to Dan Beames for capturing the semi-lifeless feel of a body frozen in ice, and to Cadburywolf, Briedle and Ninebucks for their impressive illustratorial nous.

However, there can only be one winner, and after much discussion, a nearly unanimous decision (if you count me as eight or more people) was reached. The winner is... Ballookey. The piece was graphically inventive, and managed to not only capture the tone and content of the story, but also add to it in an unexpected way. So congratulations, Ballookey. Your prize will never be announced or exist.

Jonathan James-Whitehead BA. Also got an A in GCSE Art.

The Winner:

Ballookey

Other Entries:

Dan Beames


Will (Theprowler)


Ninebucks


Drowsynumbness


Cooper King

Themanwhofellasleep


Chaino


Richard Kirby

Cadburywolf

Briedle