320

Women don't respond well to violence, or so they say. But look at that Cupid fella, shoot a couple of ladies with a bow and arrow and they're ready for love, or at least some kind of dry humping. It's not practical to carry such weaponry these days, because they won't let you on the Tube. You need a gun, or at least a knife. I haven't tried it myself, because I'm a beautiful man and I don't need such tactics.

I don't know what I'm talking about. I was supposed to be saying something about muggings. So, yeah, scientists say it's impossible for a woman to fall in love with a man whilst he's mugging her, but that's how my parents met. My father was no low life, he was just trying to put himself through medicine school. By day he studied, by night he stole from the innocent, weak and beautiful. There was nothing wrong with it really. The way he saw it he would probably save their lives once he became a fulltime doctor or it was their own fault for not being trained in self defence.

It was a cold winter night when my dad pulled a small sword on my mother. He looked into her deep, fear filled eyes and said "Give me that goddamn diamond ring, but only because one day I want to buy you one twice as big." It wasn't the most romantic of proposals, but how could she say no? He had a sword, for god's sake.

David, NYC.

319

People complain about giant supermarkets taking over the world, but where else can you buy eggs? It's not like we've got egg shops everywhere. We're trapped and it's our own fault. Until we figure out a way to survive in a world without eggs we should be grateful.

Tesco sells everything. It's incredible. Where else can you go at 5am to buy cocktail sausages or fall in love with with the woman looking after the self service machines? Nowadays they even sell supermarket franchises. You buy one, setup a shop, get a customer base, then Tesco come and open a new store next door putting your business out of business. It's a system that works. It's a system with eggs.

Colin, Chester.

318

The best actors are famed for doing research for their roles. The most famous is probably Robert De Niro for Taxi Driver. While preparing for his role as Travis Bickle, De Niro was filming Bernardo Bertolucci's 1900. According to Peter Boyle, he would "finish shooting on a Friday in Rome...get on a plane from Italy, fly to New York", whereupon he got himself a cab driver's license. He would then go to a garage, pick up a real cab and drive around New York, shoot a pimp, then fly back to Rome again.

Nowadays most actors just use Wikipedia for their research. It's too dangerous to be out in the real world, especially since Pretty Woman. Not many people outside the business know this, but Julia Roberts really did work as a prostitute when preparing for the best romantic comedy of 1990. She even had her own pimp who used to beat her up. Eventually she couldn't take his abuse anymore, so she had to tell him "Look, I'm not really a hooker. I'm Julia Roberts. I'm an actress. You've seen Steel Magnolias, right?"

Sadly he hadn't, and he broke three of her fingers.

Gary, Baltimore.

317

As soon as it happened I ran over to the bus stop. I just had to tell someone.
"I've just been struck by lightning!" I said to the man.
"Please." he said "Can I wait for one bus without someone talking to me about the weather?"
"But it's amazing. I feel all different. I think I'm picking up digital radio in my left ear."
"And there's ever been anything worth hearing on digital radio?" he asked, going back to reading his paper.
"Look at this though!" I said as I shot a bolt of lightning at the bus timetable, shattering the plastic into a million tiny pieces.
"BOOOOOOOORING." he moaned deeply.

Chris, London.

316

Is there anything worse than not correcting someone straight away when they got your name wrong? You're trapped forever.

One time I was in this church with my girlfriend and this priest says to her "Do you take David Preston to be your lawfully wedded husband?"
She's all "Who the hell is David Preston?"
And I'm like "That's me."
"No you're not." she says. What can you say to that? You don't want to get into an argument on your wedding day, so you play along. It's all fucked.

David Preston, Liverpool.