He said that he wanted go his whole life without having an orgasm, but wouldn't tell me why. At first he wouldn't listen when I tried to explain that he'd end up doing it in his sleep, but eventually I got through to him and he admitted that there'd come a time when his balls would be out of his control, when he was at his most vulnerable, and so he vowed to never sleep again.
He was young and young people are always making claims like that. Never in all my days did I think he'd go through with it. We discussed the best way to achieve his goal: either drinking lots of coffee everyday or a life's worth of coffee to start with. The latter seemed like the best option. He drank 20,000 espressos in one hour, putting him straight into a coma.
When he awoke a week later he was relieved to learn that he hadn't had a wet dream. I'd given my self the role of Chief Penis Watcher, checking it on the hour, every hour, often using ice to reduce his erections. With 24 hours of everday at his disposal, he did a lot with his life, roughly 40% more than the average man. I could give you his life story, but the tale is long, too long to tell right now. Anyway, as he lay on his death bed he turned to me and said
"Maybe I should have had an orgasm"
"You're probably right" I said.
"It's not too late, is it?" he asked.
"No, close your eyes and relax." I told him, as I slipped my hand down his pyjama trousers. He looked so different with his eyes shut. It was such a rare sight. For five, maybe six minutes I wanked him off the best I could. That was all he needed, because I soon found my hand warm and sticky.
"Mmmmm, that was nice" he said as he opened his eyes to look at me. "Maybe I made a huge mistake".
"I think you did" I said, but it was too late, his eyes had closed for just the second time since his coma. He was dead. Parents should never have to outlive their children.
Gloria, South London.