293

I was reading my newspaper at the bus stop, which is never an ideal situation. To make matters worse, I was forced to do it standing, because the seat was wet. There was only one thing which could have made the situation even worse: a talking man. Wait, that’s a lie, there were two things, the second being a strong wind.
As a mighty breeze blew the pages of the newspaper in fifty different directions, an old man had been carried into the bus stop.

He spoke. I’m not sure what he said, but I was sure it was something to do the rain. Somehow my brain has evolved to censor out any words connected with the weather. It saves me from the terrifying mind-numbing boredom at bus stops, but sadly my sister’s name is Gail, and I couldn’t tell you a single thing that’s happened to her in the last five years.

“That’s disgusting, isn’t it?” he said, pointing at the front page of the paper. Today’s main news story was about how the CEOs of the major banks were still getting millions of pounds in bonuses, despite the economic crisis.

“I have no opinion on that.” I told him. Realising that all hope of reading my paper in peace was gone; I folded it up and placed it under my arm. Sadly the headline on the back page was still visible: Scolari Sacked.

“It’s ridiculous. He’s only been there six months.” the man said “They’re not even out of the title race.”

“I have no opinion on that.” I replied. All roads were now leading into an unavoidable conversation.

“Heard about Jade Goody? She’s not the greatest woman who ever lived, but how can people be so cruel about her now? Do you..”

“I’m afraid I must stop you right there. I have no opinions on anything you could possibly say.”

“Abortions?”

“No.”

“Israel? Iraq? Come on, you must have some opinions about one of them.”

“I don’t. I don’t have any opinions.”

“But why?”

“Having an opinion is just one step away from having a wrong one. I’m playing it safe. Imagine feeling very passionate about something, only to find out that you’re completely wrong. No thanks.” I could see that I had pushed a button inside him. His face was turning red.

“That’s the problem with young people today! You don’t care, you just don’t care! No wonder the country’s going down the pan.” He waved his umbrella at me and walked off. “No opinions…” he mumbled to himself. “Did my father die in the war just so…” I couldn’t hear what he said next, because the bus had arrived. I got on and smiled to myself. Of course I have opinions. I just like winding people up.

Andrew, London.

122

I saw my ex-girlfriend today. We broke up five years ago. The year was 1998 and I'm very much over her.

I was hung-over this morning and only popping to B&Q to get some screws, and so, I didn't bother shaving and just threw on an old t-shirt. She was at the queue buying a Japanese water feature and we had a brief and only slightly awkward chat.

Straight away I realised that I'd been involved in the worst event in the history of time. I remembered that the t-shirt I was wearing was a Christmas present from her in 1996. This combined with the alcohol on my breath and my unshaven face meant that there was no way I left the conversation without her thinking that I was still very much in love with her and my life had fallen apart because of it.

Oliver, Sunderland.

90

I've been told that people would kill for my "gift", but it's not even a gift. It's more like a curse than a gift, but it's not a curse either. I can talk to animals. People jump to all sorts of conclusions when they find out, because people, like animals, are idiots. They think that just because I can talk to animals I can make them do as I please. "You can talk to humans" I tell them "but they don't carry out your bidding, do they?". They think that I can just start a conversation with any animal and build up a rapport straight away. I can't even talk to the people I work with most of the time, never mind a completely different species. Talking to animals is probably great if you've got something to say, but all it's done for me is multiply the number of things I have to avoid making eye contact with on the bus.


Thomas, Denmark.

66

I was waiting at the bus stop a few weeks ago when a nervous and uncomfortable man approached me. I'm not one for awkward bus stop chats, in fact, I hate them more than anything in the world. The man looked like he was about he was about to say something, but then he changed his mind at the last minute. He started to pace around over the same three or four steps. He really was the most uncomfortable and nervous man I'd ever seen. Eventually he said something.

"So how do you keep them cold?" he mumbled.

"Sorry?" I asked.

"Oh, nothing, nothing" he said and he went back to pacing around the bus stop. It was a sunny day and he was beginning to sweat. A moment later he spoke again.

"It must have been a real pain when they brought out those two pound coins." he said.

"Um, yeah, I suppose." I said. He seemed disappointed by my response and he went back to pacing the bus stop. The bus was due any minute. Soon I would be free from the nervous pacing man and his strange words. Before the bus could arrive though he came to a halt, looked at his watch and took a deep breath. He walked up to me once more but with a lot more purpose in his stride.

"I guess I'll just take a Pepsi and be off then" he said.

"Pardon?"

"Oh, a Coke or something."

"I'm sorry" I said "but do you think I'm a vending machine?" His cheeks turned scarlet. I wouldn't have thought it was possible, but the most uncomfortable looking man in the world was looking even more uncomfortable. I didn't need to make the situation any worse. "It's ok" I lied "It happens all the time." Whether he believed me or not I do not know, but the bus arrived and he took that as his cue to leave.

Jordan, London.