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I've tried so many times to release successful book, but it wasn't until yesterday that I realised that all I needed to do was write a book that wasn't shit and filled with my own unique thoughts on race and gender.

My first book was truly awful, but I had read in a magazine that putting Hitler's face on the cover would increase sales by 25%. So I put four pictures of him on there, expecting to sell every copy, but I had completely misjudged the maths.

My second book was as bad as the first, but I hoped that a book signing would raise awareness. I needed a gimmick, so I signed all of the books in my own blood. Lots of people turned up, but very few bought the book.

I made the mistake of signing them before people had paid for them. They'd just come up to the desk to see me turning pale and weak, get the book signed, put it down and walk out. At the end of the day I had over a thousand bloodied books which would never get sold and only three pints of blood left. I very nearly died, but I probably looked really cool.

Colin, London.