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You’ve probably never met a rich person. Even if you are constantly relaxing in the company of people with millions of pounds in the bank you cannot count them as rich. The real rich people are never seen nor heard by mere mortals and their wealth is beyond calculation. I’ll warn you now that I don’t mean to suggest that money does not make you rich. I’m not trying to say that it’s family and love which makes someone the richest person in the world. I’m no hippy.

Luckily for me I once knew a rich person, because it was my job to be his Yes Man. Not a Yes Man in the sense that he paid me to always agree with him, much like the fake rich people of the day often do. It was simply my job to always be in the same room as my master and if somebody asked him a question to which the answer would be yes, I would step in to spare him the effort and trouble. There were three of us employed in such a role, one for Yes, one for No and one for Perhaps. For this service we were each paid ten billion pounds a year, but we were far from rich.

To give you a further example of his wealth I will tell you that whilst everyone else was lighting their cigars with £50 notes, my boss was using winning lottery tickets, especially rollovers. Although I must admit that his cigars were always of the lowest quality. He would say “Unless I enjoy the act of smoking, spending money on expensive cigars would be a terrible waste. I’m no fool.”

The rich communicate in a different way to the poor. Whereas the unwashed masses communicate through speech and social networking sites, people of wealth speak through horses. When a rich man wishes to court a rich lady, he asks her by using a racehorse. He does this by buying the fastest horse on the planet and naming it something along the lines of “Patricia, Will You Marry Me?”. He then enters the horse into a high profile race.

When Patricia browses her copy of the latest newspaper to see which horse has won the Grand National, the message is instantly delivered. It is vital that the best horse is chosen, otherwise the message would be lost amongst the other loser names like “Bobby’s Ticket” and “Green Wednesday”.

If the lady accepts the proposal she will fund a Hollywood blockbuster and ensure that its name is “Yes, I will.” It is important for her to find the best director, writers and cast to guarantee the film reaches the top of the box office, because this is the only way for her response to make its way back. If the film flops, even though the answer is yes, it is considered the ultimate insult. To us it would appear to be a long and time consuming process, but time moves differently for the rich.

There are still a few similarities between the rich and the poor when it comes to dating. Rivalries are common place, just as in the animal kingdom. Lizards battle to the death and koalas compete at karaoke to win a mate. The rich have equally elaborate ways of proving themselves to be worthy suitors.

When my former employer was pursuing the love of a fair haired lady he became locked into a battle of wealth with a man of similar richness. To prove his stature, my boss’s opponent bought the New York Yankees and the Miami Dolphins. I’m sure you’re thinking “Big deal, people buy baseball teams and football teams all the time.”

However, he did something only a truly rich man is capable of, he switched them around. The Yankees were forced to struggle at American Football, whilst the Dolphins flopped out of the World Series. Destroying something which brings enjoyment to the lives of millions is a fine way of seducing a rich woman.
Fortunately, my master was able to combat these actions by doing the exact same thing, but with the NHS and every Fire Brigade in England.

Now they’ve been married for nearly fifteen years. A common person would celebrate this anniversary with a gift made of crystal. Sadly when a rich person reaches fifteen years of marriage they have to attempt to assassinate Billy Crystal to prove that their love is still as strong as the day they got married. Luckily for the actor rich people marriages don’t tend to last that long.