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Easy Solutions #2

So, you want to kiss your sexy neighbour, but you've never even said hello.

What you will need: 1 x computer with photoshop, 1 x printer, 1 x A4 envelope, 1 x black pen, 1 x red pen, 1 x stamp, 1 x pot of extra strength glue, 1 x photo of yourself with a lady.


Step One: Use your computer to photoshop Angelina Jolie's head onto the lady's body in your photograph. If you are unable to do this, seek the assistance of a ten year old child.

Step Two: Print out the photo, place it in a frame and hang it in your hallway.

Step Three: Use your computer to write a script for a short Hollywood film. Put all of your effort into it, because although it will probably never get made, you might discover that you have a hidden talent.

Step Four: Print out two copies of the script and place them in the envelope. Write your name and address on the envelope using the black pen. Then, using the red pen, write the words "Confidential" and "Urgent" in bold capital letters. Exclamation marks are optional.

Step Five: Lick the stamp and stick it on the top right hand corner of the envelope.

Step Six: On Saturday morning stand outside your neighbour's house until the postman arrives. As soon as he posts your neighbour's letters run up to her door and post your envelope.

Step Seven: Return home and glue your letterbox shut.

Step Eight: Pretty soon your neighbour will discover your envelope and she will immediately bring it to the correct address, because of the bold red writing. She will be unable to simply post it through your letterbox, because you have glued it shut. When she knocks your door, answer it.

Step Nine: When she hands you the envelope say the words "Oh, thank God. I was worried I wasn't going to get this in time before Monday." The "Confidential" written on the envelope will have made her curious, so she may ask what the envelope contains.

Step Ten:Even if she doesn't, casually announce that it's just the script for a new film you're starring in with Angelina Jolie. While your neighbour is being impressed mention that you've just opened a bottle of wine. Ask her if she would like a glass. You won't need to have a bottle ready. She will automatically decline, because it's Saturday morning, but it will make you appear artistic, because only creative types drink wine in the morning.

Step Eleven: There's a 50/50 chance that she will now ask if you know Angelina Jolie. Even if she doesn't ask this question it is important that you now point her towards the photograph hanging in your hallway, thus causing her to enter your house.

Step Twelve: Whilst she is looking at the photo, open the envelope and say the words "Why have they sent me two?"

Step Thirteen: After she is done admiring the photograph say the words "Hey, you wouldn't mind running through a few scenes with me, would you?" She will be reluctant to decline, because she's already declined your offer of wine and won't want to seem rude, especially to a man who she now believes to be an associate of a top movie star.

Step Fourteen: Take her into the living room and tell her that you aren't in many of the early scenes, so you should start with the final act.

Step Fifteen: After she's read a few lines, compliment her by saying "You're very good. Have you done any acting before?" This will put her at ease.

Step Sixteen: Now, if you've written your script correctly, you will have included a climax where you and Angelina Jolie's character kiss. It's Hollywood writing 101. Upon reading the direction notes of this scene your neighbour will instinctively be reluctant to kiss a man she's only just met on a Saturday morning.

Step Seventeen: However, before she says the words "We don't have to kiss, do we?" she will start to think about Angelina Jolie and her lips. All women have the exact same strong feelings about Angelina Jolie, and no matter what they say, it is thinly veiled jealousy. Your neighbour will start to wonder about you kissing Angelina Jolie on Monday. At first she will realise that this is her one opportunity to beat Angelina Jolie by being a better kisser. Then she will imagine the kiss chain from her, to you, to Angelina Jolie, to Brad Pitt. This will seal the deal in her mind.

Step Eighteen: When your neighbour moves her mouth close to your's, begin to kiss her. Mission accomplished.

Step Nineteen(Optional): If you want to take a risk, you can make your script about a man who kisses his neighbour by doing this exact thing. Your neighbour might appreciate the Charlie Kauffman quality to it. It's a good way to come clean and rid yourself of the guilt. If she admires your efforts you might enter into a love affair. Sadly this step will only work 60% of the time.

Notes: Women can use this tutorial by simply replacing the photo of Angelina Jolie with Johnny Depp.